Sleepless Nights

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up on and off for awhile then I was wide awake from about 2:00-3:30 this morning. Part of it was that I just couldn't quite get comfortable but another reason I just couldn't quite sleep was because I was thinking about having kids. We're not pregnant nor are we trying to get pregnant right now, but I recognize that we are drawing closer to the time when we will be ready to start a family. I've been noticing that God has been using this time as preparation to help me sift through my fears and expectations of motherhood.

The nagging thought that kept creeping into my mind last night was, "What if I'm not a good mother?" The question was solely based on the knowledge that when I become a mother, I won't get as much sleep. Honestly, I don't really like the way I behave when I don't get enough sleep (I'm talking 8-9 hours a night). I tend to have less patience and to be much more emotionally driven (instead of being guided by my usual, Vulcan-like logical side *nerd joke*). How can someone who is so dependent on sleep and who feels so cranky without it be a good mother to a newborn who wakes her up all night? I wrestled with this doubt for a good portion of time before turning to Jesus in prayer.

During the course of the conversation, He reminded me of what He endured on the cross "for the joy set before Him." He also reminded me that I'm a new creation, I'm not who I was before I gave my life to Him. He lives inside me and I am empowered to love sacrificially. I came to the realization that since Jesus endured the horrors of the cross and Jesus now lives in me, surely He and I can endure the lack of sleep that comes with having kids.

Once again, I'm drawn to the verses in 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind...[love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."