Successful Motherhood

There are so many different requirements pushed on moms these days of what it means to be a successful mother. A lot of it is based on what our society values but even within a single society there are sub-cultures that value completely different things. Depending on who you talk to, being a successful mother may mean...

• Your child gets the best education
• Your child only eats organic foods (or gluten-free foods or GMO-free foods or foods purchased locally, etc)
• You can maintain a successful career outside the home
• Your child excels in sports
• You are there for their every need 100% of the time
• Your child thinks you're cool and calls you her best friend
• Your child is a law abiding citizen who breaks out in a rash if they even think about breaking a rule
• Your child is a free thinker who isn't bound by the rules of society
• You can run a marathon 2 months after giving birth
• Your child grows up to earn a Nobel Prize in physics
• Your child is a prodigy violin/piano/chess/trumpet/guitar/etc player
• Your child chooses a "good" career when they grow up
• Your child is popular in school
• Your child grows up in a stable home

Do any of these strike a chord with you? I know for certain that some of them will NEVER happen in my family (ie. me running a marathon), some of them MAY happen (ie. my child excelling in sports--their dad was a Decathlete after all), and I will try very hard to make the last one happen.

As each day brings me closer and closer to becoming a mom, I find myself wondering what will define success for me. What do I value most and desire to provide for my child above anything else?

In meditating on this question, I realized that I would personally sum up successful motherhood with this one sentence.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the law of kindness is on her tongue. -Proverbs 31:26

Wisdom is much more than just being an intelligent person. In fact, I believe that there are many people who could be considered some of the smartest in the world but they completely lack wisdom. At the same time, there are some who have never had a formal education and may not even be able to read, yet they embody true wisdom.

The dictionary defines wisdom as "the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement." I would take it a step further and say that it is the act of actually applying that experience, knowledge, and good judgement. I may know the right thing to do or say in a given situation, but if I don't act on that knowledge then I am being unwise.

In Proverbs 31:26, the Hebrew word translated as 'kindness' is chesed and it is one of my favorite words on the planet! The dictionary defines kindness as "the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate" but chesed is even better than that.

Chesed is frequently spoken of in the Bible as one of God's attributes. English translations use the words grace, mercy, compassion, loving-kindness, steadfast love, and covenant love to help us grasp the concept.

So whether my child is popular or not, whether they like sports or computers or painting or none of the above, whether or not I am able to stay in excellent shape or retire from a successful career, I won't consider myself a success or a failure.

Instead, I will consider myself a successful mother when I draw upon God's wisdom to guide my child and when my own life displays and points to the incredible covenant-love of Jesus.

After Dental School

It feels strange to be thinking about what our next step after Dental School will be since Robbie is still in his 3rd year. The general consensus we have heard from the faculty at the school is that by summer of your 3rd year you should have a pretty good idea of what your next step will be. I don't think it has to be anything set in stone, but knowing this far in advance will give you the time to complete any requirements before graduation.

For example, if you're wanting to specialize (Ortho, Endo, Oral Surgery, Prosth, etc.), do a GPR (General Practice Residency), or do an AEGD (Advanced Education in General Dentistry), there is an application process just like when you applied to Dental School.

There are dozens of options for directions a Dentist can take his career after school. The American Student Dental Association has an excellent website about Dental career paths. Here's the link. It includes a whole range of information from going into private practice to working for the military to teaching.

Robbie has always leaned towards private practice, especially if we can get back towards the Fort Collins area (where our families live). But opening a practice right out of Dental School is expensive and extremely stressful. A lot of the faculty have recommended what's called a Buy In/Buy Out or Delayed Buy Out. What this involves is finding a Dentist who is towards the later end of his/her career who is looking to retire but not immediately. You work with him/her to transition the practice ownership over time. Typically it starts with the new Dentist working as an associate for a year or two. After that time period, if both parties are still happy working together, the associate then buys a portion of the practice and they become co-owners. After another period of time (typically another 1-2 years), the new Dentist then buys the rest of the practice and the original owner retires.

What Robbie and I find most appealing about this set-up is that the practice owner has a mentor-type relationship to the new Dentist. The long-held patients of the original Dentist are able to get to know the new Dentist and build a trusting relationship prior to the retirement of the original Dentist. This option also saves you from having to start a practice from scratch and enables you to pay off some school debt without the added pressure of an additional $250,000 practice loan right off the bat.

There are, of course, many other paths to getting into private practice, but this is the situation that sounds most ideal for Robbie and I. Networking will be key over the coming months in order to build relationships with Dentists who are looking to retire in the appropriate time frame. We know that this may not be the path at all that God wants us to take so I need to keep praying that He will give us flexible hearts and the patience to wait for Him to show us the right way.

We've experienced a few seasons of crossroads in our marriage where big decisions needed to be made and God came through for us every single time! There are many Proverbs about decision making that I find comforting.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the road to death. -Proverbs 14:12

This verse reminds me that just because an opportunity seems ideal, doesn't mean it is. I don't have to stress over what-ifs and "missed opportunities" because God may have just been protecting me from making a really bad decision. He sees the end from the beginning which is a much better vantage point than what I am capable of having. When we were trying to buy a house, we kept putting offers in on places we liked and would immediately be outbid. It was incredibly frustrating and stressful. But looking at this verse, I realize that all those other places seemed right for us at the time, but God had the perfect home for us already picked out.

A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

This verse brought me a lot of comfort when Robbie didn't get in the first time he applied to Dental School. In His infinite wisdom and love for us, God knew that waiting another year would be much better. And it was! I see so many benefits we reaped from having to wait another year. We saved money, Robbie got experience in a Dental office, and we were able to participate in a newlywed Bible study that we otherwise would've missed.

Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety. -Proverbs 11:14

I've written before about a mentor of mine, Jolly, who instilled in me my love for Proverbs. One thing he especially emphasized was getting advice from wise people when facing big decisions. It's important that you don't just surround yourself with people who say what you want to hear. I can name at least 8 people in my life who I know would tell me straight if I was making a bad decision. It might be frustrating and it might even hurt to hear what they have to say, but being able to accept rebuke from wise counsel is a sign of maturity and will help keep you from making really bad decisions.

Before I started working at the Dental School, I was offered a job at the Disney Store. It seemed like the ideal job for me! Part-time, working in a toy store, and, oh yeah, DISNEY!!! The day I was supposed to start there, I received a call from the Dental School offering me a position as a Dental Assistant. It was 40 hours a week, which was not what I really wanted plus I was intimidated about working as an assistant to so many different Dentists. We talked with both Robbie's parents and my parents and unanimously they recommended taking the position at the Dental School.

I cannot tell you how happy I am that I took their advice, even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Working at the Dental School was one of the biggest blessings I could imagine while Robbie was going through 2nd and 3rd year. It gave us more time together, strengthening our marriage. It helped Robbie build relationships with some amazing faculty who he might not have gotten to know as well if he wasn't in my clinic as much. It also enabled us to be financially stable enough to buy our house and get pregnant! We would've missed out on all these things had I chosen the Disney Store.

So as you approach times of big decisions, let me encourage you that God knows which decisions are good and which lead to death. He wants to guide you to the right decisions through spending time with Him and seeking wise counsel. I want to finish by saying that even if you do make a bad decision, God is still faithful!

The steps of a man are established by the LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong because the LORD is the one who holds his hand. -Psalm 37:23-24

Proverbs for the Aspiring Dentist

Who would've thought that going from stay-at-home wife to 40 hours a week at the school would leave me with so little time?! I'm not complaining--because I'm definitely loving my job--I just feel so bad that I have been barely getting in one blog post a week!

Snapped this on my phone today. You can see the lovely Dental supplies in the background.

Like I said, I am absolutely loving my job! My supervisor and I get along really well and she's incredibly knowledgeable about Dental materials so I have been learning a lot from her. I am also really beginning to see why Dental School is so expensive. The sheer volume of materials required is astronomical and those supplies carry a hefty price tag.

My main tasks throughout the day include checking out instruments to the students, stocking treatment rooms, and sterilizing small things like x-ray rinns (the instruments get sent down to the sterilization department). As I mentioned in my first post about my job, I love working with the Dental Students. I'm starting to learn a lot of their names and they always wave at me when I see them around campus.

In getting to know them a little better, however, I'm realizing that Dental School can only prepare the students so much for being Dentists. Having the head knowledge of how to do dental procedures is only half the battle. If they don't learn how to interact with and care for people--whether that's their patients, their peers, or their future staff--they will struggle as a Dentist. There are a few students who come off as demanding and unappreciative and I can almost guarantee that they will have a high turnover rate of staff in their office someday if they don't change their behavior soon.

I am constantly telling Robbie how important it will be for him to show appreciation to his employees down the road. My childhood Dentist has had the same assistant and hygienist in his practice for over 20 years while another Dentist I know can barely get an assistant to stick around for 2 years! I doubt there is much difference in pay/benefits between the two; however, my childhood Dentist is pleasant to be around and makes a clear effort to take care of his staff while the other Dentist is often cranky and fault-finding. Some of the benefits of having staff long-term include that you aren't wasting time/money constantly training new employees, your staff will get to know your patients and build rapport with them, and your staff will be more likely to grow together into a smoothly functioning team (making your office more efficient and harmonious).

One of the best resources for knowing how to interact with others in a wise and life giving way is the book of Proverbs. It has recommendations on all kinds of situations that could come up in a Dental practice. Here are just a few examples:

1) How should I respond when a patient loses their cool and starts cussing out my staff?

A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. -Prov. 15:1

 2) Is it okay for me to recommend a more expensive procedure to my patient so I can make a little more money, even though the less expensive option would work just as well for them?

Wealth obtained by fraud dwindles, but the one who gathers by labor increases it. -Prov. 13:11

The acquisition of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor, the pursuit of death. -Prov. 21:6

3) I have a patient here in horrible pain and desperate need of treatment but he has no way to pay me right now.

He who shuts his ear to the cry of the poor will also cry himself and not be answered. -Prov. 21:13

4) My wife feels I'm working too many hours. She says when I come home, I don't have enough energy to play with the kids. Working this many hours has enabled me to bring a lot of revenue into my practice though!

Don't wear yourself out to get rich; stop giving your attention to it. -Prov. 23:4

5) I really need to add another Dental Assistant to my staff because my office is growing, but the people who have applied don't seem like that great of a fit for the position. Still, isn't hiring someone better than not having anyone for the job?

The one who hires a fool or who hires those passing by is like an archer who wounds everyone. -Prov. 26:10

6) I overheard some of my staff gossiping about another Dentist. The conversation sounded really interesting and I want to join in to hear more details. As long as the Dentist doesn't know we're talking about her, what could it hurt?

A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much. -Prov. 20:19

A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. -Prov. 16:28

7) My office manager just told me about a way we could bill the insurance to get more money by using a slightly different procedure code. We would be fudging the rules a little bit since it's not the exact procedure I did, but we would get payed more in the end.

Bread obtained by falsehood is sweet to a man, but afterward his mouth will be filled with gravel. -Prov. 20:17

Better a poor man who lives with integrity than a rich man who distorts right and wrong. -Prov. 28:6

In-Laws

I came across an article on Yahoo the other day that was about "10 Things Never to Say to Your Mother In Law." It included things such as "I didn't ask your opinion," "Why didn't you teach your son to..." and "I hope I inherit your armoire." I felt it was a straightforward article that was simply trying to get across the point that you shouldn't be mean to your MIL. Boy did it strike a chord with some of the people who commented on the article though! There were some truly vicious comments people left about their MIL's and I just couldn't stop thinking about the whole topic for the last several days. I am very fortunate in that I get along really well with my in-laws, but even if you don't see eye to eye with your spouse's family, here's a few of thoughts that might help:

1) I am called to show the love of Jesus to everyone, no matter who they are or how they behave.

As a Christian, I believe I am called to live in a way that shines Jesus' love to everyone I come in contact with, whether that is the teller at my bank, the homeless person on the corner of the street, the atheist who cusses me out and mocks my beliefs, the barista who makes my coffee at Starbucks, or my Mother in Law.

"You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don't even the Gentiles do the same?" -Matthew 5:43-47 (Holman Christian Standard translation)

I'm not called to simply tolerate or put up with other people, I'm called to love them the way Jesus loves them. The Bible gives us an excellent description of what Jesus' love looks like in action. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that when we love someone, we will be patient with them, we will be kind to them, we won't envy what they have, we won't brag about ourselves to them or be focused on ourselves when interacting with them, we won't act improperly around them, we won't be easily provoked by them, and we won't keep a mental record of any way they have wronged us. 

2) The only thing that can enable me to truly love others is to spend time alone in the presence of God, getting to know Him and receiving His love.

I don't know about you, but showing Biblical love can seem really difficult (if not impossible) at times. The only way we can love others like this is to have been in the presence of Jesus, receiving His love. When I realize the fullness of God's love for me, it transforms me and overflows to the people around me.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. God's love was revealed among us in this way: God sent His One and Only Son into the world so that we might live through Him. Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another... We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:7-11, 19

3) The only actions I am accountable for are my own but God can use my actions to change another person.

The only person's actions I can control are my own. God calls me to trust Him to hold others accountable for their actions and to leave justice up to Him.

"Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the LORD. 'But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." -Romans 12:17-21

I especially love the part that says, "So far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." I have experienced such great freedom in the realization that I am only responsible for me. If I have done everything within my power to be loving and kind towards someone, yet they still choose to repay me with hostility/meanness/rudeness, that's on them.

Our culture teaches us that if someone hurts us, we have every right to get back at them. But God offers us a higher road to take. If we choose to show kindness to someone who doesn't deserve it, God can use that to deeply convict that person and possibly bring about a change in them. If you can grasp a hold of how much of a power bomb kindness is, how much more effective it is than retaliation and bitterness, it will change your life.

4) My relationship with my Mother In Law does not have to go along with the world's expectations.

Just because the world's expectation is that the relationship between a man's wife and his mother will more than likely be strained, competitive, conniving, etc. it does not mean I have to go that route and feed the stereotype. In fact, the story of one of the most beautiful relationships between two women can be found in the Book of Ruth between Ruth (a Moabitess) and Naomi, her Jewish Mother In Law. Naomi lived in Moab with her husband, their two sons, and their sons' wives for 10 years but after her husband and sons died, she decided to return to the land of Judah. Her Daughter In Law, Orpah, decides to go her separate way, but Ruth makes a beautiful declaration.

"But Ruth said, 'Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may the Lord do to me, and worse, if anything but death parts you and me.' When she saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her."

I realize more and more that my Mother In Law is a woman, just like me, has fears and desires and hopes, just like me, and needs the love and grace of God, just like me. She wants to feel needed, included, valued, and respected. What woman doesn't?! The more I see her through Jesus' eyes, the more my friendship with her and love for her can grow.

Some of the things I appreciate about my MIL are that: 1) She raised the man I love and played a part in helping him become all of the things I so appreciate about him. 2) She is really good at asking questions and showing interest in what's going on in my life. 3) She has amazing gardening knowledge (something I could definitely learn from her about since I always kill my plants). 4) She is really good at coming up with practical solutions to problems.

My dad told me that my mom's mom always said to him, "I don't like being called your Mother In Law. I prefer Mother In Love," meaning that her relationship to him was so much more than just a slip of paper that said he was married to her daughter. I pray that I can be a Mother In Love to my children's spouses someday!

Robbie and I with his family at our wedding. My MIL is in the red and my FIL is on the far left.

The Annoyances/Injustices of Dental School

Since Robbie has started school, I've begun to realize that I have a pretty nasty temper. Not towards Robbie, mind you, but towards inefficiency, bureaucracy, and just plain unfairness. Any time I perceive that my husband's time, money, talents, etc. are being wasted (or worse, abused) I feel a great deal of anger boiling up inside of me threatening to cause a verbal explosion of words I usually don't like to use.

For example, it greatly frustrates me that we are paying so much for his schooling and yet some of the staff seem to treat their job like it's a joke. Don't get me wrong-- there are some truly excellent teachers at the school, but I can think of several teachers who are simply terrible or classes that are a complete waste of time in regards to making them better Dentists. When all of the upper classmen say, "Oh don't worry, we all failed that class but he will curve it at the end," just tells me that that teacher is not doing his job properly. It's so annoying to see the inefficiency and lack of communication as well as to see the students treated like little kids when they are supposed to be in professional school. 

The most recent example of injustice occurred last week when Robbie informed me that 17 high speed handpieces had gone missing from the simulation lab at school. Each of those handpieces costs about $1000, so having 17 stolen is comparable to one semester of in-state tuition being stolen from the school. Not cool. But what pissed me off was the schools response to the issue. They informed the students that the sim lab would be closed outside of school hours "until further notice." Basically that left them a couple hours of time outside of class during the week to complete all of their lab assignments and practice work. Not only were they treating all of the students like criminals (without any proof that it was in fact a student who had stolen the handpieces), but they were taking away extremely valuable practice time that the students desperately need to become Dentists. 

My initial gut reaction was to go to the school and give the staff a piece of my mind on their ridiculous solution to the problem. Why not assign a handpiece to each student instead of having them floating around freely? Or have a check-in/check-out system for the handpieces? How do you know it's not one of the staff members or cleaning crew taking the handpieces? I desperately wanted to give full vent to my anger. Luckily, God brought to mind several reasons why this was not an appropriate thing to do.

1) Robbie is not 5 years old and I am not his mother. He is an adult pursuing a professional degree. In his life, he will face many injustices and difficulties and it is not my job to run to his aide and "fix things" by showing off how awesomely mad I can get. It is my job to remind him that God is still in control and that our responsibility is to shine Christ's love in all situations.

2) Spouting off a bunch of curses to the staff would only hurt Robbie and would not improve the situation. I frequently need to remind myself that my actions as Robbie's wife have a profound effect on other people's perception of him. Proverbs describes the impact a wife of noble character can have on her husband and how people view him. When my actions are based out of a desire to control or belittle others, it reflects poorly on Robbie, too. (What kind of man must he be to marry someone like that? etc.) When my actions are based out of a heart that trusts in God, it builds other people's respect for both Robbie and me.

 "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life... Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land." -Proverbs 31:10-12,23

 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones." -Proverbs 12:4

 "House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD." -Proverbs 19:14

3) Proverbs has even more to say on controlling ones anger and words. 

 "He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick tempered exalts folly." -Proverbs 14:29

 "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city." -Proverbs 16:32

 "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." -Proverbs 12:18

 "He who guards his mouth and tongue guards his soul from troubles." -Proverbs 21:23

 "Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit." -Proverbs 25:28 

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man holds it in check." -Proverbs 29:11

The situation with the sim lab has actually improved some since last week (and it happened without me going in and cussing people out! Imagine that!). The lab was open on Saturday for a certain period of time because the school had someone in there checking in and out the handpieces. I am so glad I didn't make a fool of myself (and Robbie) and that the situation is already improving without me even needing to say a word.

Thank God for lessons in patience and self control! I know I need to grow in that area a lot and that having a character that pleases Jesus will make me a better wife and mother.

Pearls of Wisdom From a Dentist

Since Robbie started school last August, I have honestly had more time on my hands than I know what to do with. It was a really big switch from before we moved up here because I had been working full time for two years (and before that I was working and going to school). We feel really appreciative of the fact that I am able to have this time as a stay-at-home wife before I become a stay-at-home mom. With all this time, however, I'm needing to learn to have discipline about time management.

One of our mentors back home (who happens to be a dentist) has a passion for the book of Proverbs that is contagious. If you haven't read it or it's been awhile, I highly recommend taking a look. It's all about what wisdom looks like and how to get it and why it's useful. I have fallen in love with the concrete, applicable advice found in Proverbs and it has helped me not only in making huge decisions about life (ie. who should I marry, what is my purpose in life, and how should I relate to God) but also in the day to day living (ie. how should I respond when someone hurts my feelings, how should I manage my time, how should I handle my money).   

When I was in college, this mentor was the leader of my Bible study and something he liked to do was share "Pearls of Wisdom" from scripture with us. He even came up with acrostics using different types of seats to help us remember them. An example is the C.H.A.I.R. acrostic.

C- Companion: You become like the people you hang around (Proverbs 13:20)
H- Hearing is transformation: You haven't really heard unless you've obeyed (Jeremiah 11:6-7)
A- Authority of God: At the end of time, no one will question God's supreme authority (Philippians 2:10-11)
I- Idolatry: Idolatry is any time we worship by putting our trust in or deriving our fulfillment from someone/something other than God (Matthew 4:10)
R- Rebuke: If you are wise, you will receive rebuke with joy and approach God with it to see how he wants to change you (Proverbs 17:10)


The reason I bring all this up is because I found another "Pearl of Wisdom" today while thinking about what to do with all this spare time I have. The pearl is about diligence. Diligence is defined as "having or showing care or conscientiousness in one's work or duties." The opposite of a diligent person is a sluggard and the verse that keeps sticking out to me is Proverbs 20:4.

"Sluggards do not plow in season; so at harvest time they look and find nothing." -Proverbs 20:4

Right now, I have the option of using this season to grow or to be lazy, to be diligent or to be a sluggard. At the end of this season, I want to look back and see that I did not let it go to waste.