Sharing my experiences as a Dental School wife (and now Dentist's wife!)
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Love Like Enamel
Well, we made it, guys! Our Dental School journey came to an end faster than I could've ever anticipated! We had a crazy busy May and June that included Jubilee's first birthday party, Robbie's Senior Banquet and graduation, moving, Robbie's graduation party, and selling our house! Robbie received his dental license and is in the process of finding a job in the area. I am shocked at how suddenly things changed but even more surprised by how normal it feels to be done with that stage of our lives. Was that really four years? Is he really a Doctor already? Yes and yes!
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
A Wife's Guide to Surviving Dental School
In March of 2013, I wrote a post called "How to Thrive While Your Husband's In Dental School." It has gotten nearly 3000 views making it my most popular post by far! Three years later, with less than two months to go until Robbie graduates, I thought I would reflect on that post and see how my advice has held up. Let's dive right in!
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Our Birth Story
PREPARATION:
Before we were even pregnant I knew I wanted to aim for a non-medicated birth. I could write a whole blog post about this topic, but for the sake of keeping this brief(ish), my main reasons were:
Before we were even pregnant I knew I wanted to aim for a non-medicated birth. I could write a whole blog post about this topic, but for the sake of keeping this brief(ish), my main reasons were:
1) I wanted the benefits of being able to walk and move around during labor and to birth in whatever position I wanted (ie. not on my back).
2) I wanted to be able to listen to my body's natural pushing cues/rhythm to avoid tearing more than necessary
3) Epidurals can slow down labor, sometimes leading to a cascade of interventions that might have otherwise been avoided (ex. pitocin, vacuum extraction, c-section, etc.).
4) When I weighed the benefit of an epidural (less pain) with the potential risks (drop in blood pressure, severe headache, loss of bladder control, itchy skin, back pain, increased risk of cesarean, etc), I felt that the benefit just wasn't that great.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Celebrating the Completion of Year Two
I've written before about the value of memorializing the milestones in Dental School. Robbie recently just hit another milestone-- finishing his second year! I'm late on writing about it because second year turned into third year in the blink of an eye. He only had two weeks off between summer and fall semester (last year it was three weeks). Additionally, because I am a state employee, I don't get off when the students are off unless I want to use a bunch of my vacation hours. The two week break came and went and aside from me being home with a cold for a couple days, not much happened.
It's difficult to know what to specifically write about 2nd year that most people haven't heard already. It was hard for us. At times it was painful. It was definitely emotionally draining. But I also believe it was a defining period of our marriage.
Until this past year, Robbie and I have had pretty smooth sailing in our marriage. Yes, applying to Dental School was pretty demanding. Living on a very small income when we were first married was a challenge. Moving in with my in-laws for a year while maintaining healthy boundaries was a little stressful at times. But 2nd year of Dental School was the first time in our marriage that I felt we were both stretched beyond what we thought were our breaking points.
Robbie frequently expressed that what made it so stressful was how he never felt caught up. No matter how hard he worked and how much time he put in, he was constantly being thrown into situations, tests, practicals, etc. for which he didn't feel prepared. The moment he began to feel like he was starting to get the hang of something, they switched gears and started learning something else. It was a complete confidence killer.
At the same time, I felt exhausted from work. I missed being at home and having the energy and desire to go grocery shopping, plan healthy meals, and exercise. Laundry piled up. We ate out more frequently than I care to remember. I felt like I was failing as a wife because I couldn't do many of the things I longed to do in order to help Robbie get through this difficult year.
On top of it all, rent prices continued to climb so we made the decision it was time to buy. We were completely blindsided by how difficult it would be to find and buy our first home. Why did I never learn actual valuable life knowledge in college? Why did no one teach me what types of mortgages are available and how to apply for them? Should I go with a private lending company or a bank? What is the difference between a town home and a condo anyway? What is mortgage insurance? These types of things may be common knowledge to someone who studies finance or realty but our learning curve was quite steep.
Let's just say I'd rather have a double IA block every morning for a year than go through that again anytime soon (ask your Dental Student if you aren't familiar with that). I felt at times it would never end and yet the days marched on. I remember crying a lot. I remember feeling horribly guilty after snapping at Robbie (again) over something stupid. I remember wondering where my husband's energy, humor, and playfulness had gone and feeling like I had become the grouchiest, neediest wife on the planet. There were a lot of tearful apologies.
But there was also a lot of forgiveness. I remember tender moments when we both felt completely emotionally drained yet somehow God would be in the midst of it. The experiences of the days/weeks/months had put us at odds. Then a moment would come when we were truly vulnerable-- acknowledging the ways we had failed one another-- and God enabled us to speak grace. "I forgive you. We're going to get through this. I love you. I'm with you in this."
God was able to turn the struggles of 2nd year into something that knit us together more tightly as a couple. I'm more confident in our ability as a couple to make grown-up decisions. While I wouldn't jump at the chance of going through it again, I am able now to see the good that has come from this period of our lives and the importance of facing challenges together.
It's difficult to know what to specifically write about 2nd year that most people haven't heard already. It was hard for us. At times it was painful. It was definitely emotionally draining. But I also believe it was a defining period of our marriage.
Until this past year, Robbie and I have had pretty smooth sailing in our marriage. Yes, applying to Dental School was pretty demanding. Living on a very small income when we were first married was a challenge. Moving in with my in-laws for a year while maintaining healthy boundaries was a little stressful at times. But 2nd year of Dental School was the first time in our marriage that I felt we were both stretched beyond what we thought were our breaking points.
Robbie frequently expressed that what made it so stressful was how he never felt caught up. No matter how hard he worked and how much time he put in, he was constantly being thrown into situations, tests, practicals, etc. for which he didn't feel prepared. The moment he began to feel like he was starting to get the hang of something, they switched gears and started learning something else. It was a complete confidence killer.
At the same time, I felt exhausted from work. I missed being at home and having the energy and desire to go grocery shopping, plan healthy meals, and exercise. Laundry piled up. We ate out more frequently than I care to remember. I felt like I was failing as a wife because I couldn't do many of the things I longed to do in order to help Robbie get through this difficult year.
On top of it all, rent prices continued to climb so we made the decision it was time to buy. We were completely blindsided by how difficult it would be to find and buy our first home. Why did I never learn actual valuable life knowledge in college? Why did no one teach me what types of mortgages are available and how to apply for them? Should I go with a private lending company or a bank? What is the difference between a town home and a condo anyway? What is mortgage insurance? These types of things may be common knowledge to someone who studies finance or realty but our learning curve was quite steep.
Let's just say I'd rather have a double IA block every morning for a year than go through that again anytime soon (ask your Dental Student if you aren't familiar with that). I felt at times it would never end and yet the days marched on. I remember crying a lot. I remember feeling horribly guilty after snapping at Robbie (again) over something stupid. I remember wondering where my husband's energy, humor, and playfulness had gone and feeling like I had become the grouchiest, neediest wife on the planet. There were a lot of tearful apologies.
But there was also a lot of forgiveness. I remember tender moments when we both felt completely emotionally drained yet somehow God would be in the midst of it. The experiences of the days/weeks/months had put us at odds. Then a moment would come when we were truly vulnerable-- acknowledging the ways we had failed one another-- and God enabled us to speak grace. "I forgive you. We're going to get through this. I love you. I'm with you in this."
God was able to turn the struggles of 2nd year into something that knit us together more tightly as a couple. I'm more confident in our ability as a couple to make grown-up decisions. While I wouldn't jump at the chance of going through it again, I am able now to see the good that has come from this period of our lives and the importance of facing challenges together.
No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed instead. -Hebrews 12:11-13
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| About to get an IA block |
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| Ah, the awkward numb-jaw smile |
Sunday, January 26, 2014
4 Year Anniversary
Two posts in one day? How exciting is that?!
It's hard to believe Christmas break is already over and that Robbie has completed the first few weeks of Spring semester. Juggling two families in Fort Collins made for a pretty busy break and I, unfortunately, had to work through most of his break as well. I will say that sitting around at the school organizing/stocking/cleaning without any clinic going on gets really old really fast. I am so glad clinic has started back up and we finally have the students back! I promise to never complain about how messy they make the clinic ever again. Their mess is what keeps me from getting bored!
My favorite part of the break was celebrating our 4 year anniversary at The Melting Pot (a delicious fondu restaurant that we go to every year). Since the restaurant was in Fort Collins and we didn't think it sounded very fun to stay at one of our parents' houses for our anniversary, we decided a few weeks ago to book a hotel room instead.
It's amazing to think of all we have been through together over the past four years. Career changes, adopting a kitty cat, applying to Dental School, moving to a new city, traveling (to California twice, Virginia, Arizona, southern Colorado, and Puerto Rico), and completing the first year and a half of Dental School. I just can't imagine where I would be or what I would be doing if God hadn't brought Robbie and I into each others' lives. Robbie truly brings out the best in me and treats me with such tenderness. I feel absolutely blessed beyond capacity to stand by his side as his wife. I love that we are such a good team and that I know I will always have someone in my corner when life gets difficult.
It's hard to believe Christmas break is already over and that Robbie has completed the first few weeks of Spring semester. Juggling two families in Fort Collins made for a pretty busy break and I, unfortunately, had to work through most of his break as well. I will say that sitting around at the school organizing/stocking/cleaning without any clinic going on gets really old really fast. I am so glad clinic has started back up and we finally have the students back! I promise to never complain about how messy they make the clinic ever again. Their mess is what keeps me from getting bored!
My favorite part of the break was celebrating our 4 year anniversary at The Melting Pot (a delicious fondu restaurant that we go to every year). Since the restaurant was in Fort Collins and we didn't think it sounded very fun to stay at one of our parents' houses for our anniversary, we decided a few weeks ago to book a hotel room instead.
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| This is us in the hotel lobby before we left for dinner. I was a little disappointed that the front desk lady couldn't capture a better picture but after three takes, I figured "Oh well." |
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| One thing I love about Old Town Fort Collins is that they cover all the trees with Christmas lights each year. |
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| He's not excited at all. |
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| We went with the spinach artichoke cheese fondu, yet again. It's so good we're afraid to branch out! |
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| Had to snap a picture of us with our chocolate before we messed up the lovely yin/yang dark/white chocolate. |
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Laying Bricks
If you have read my blog for long, you probably know that I have a
love for Proverbs. One that keeps coming to my mind this morning says:
Whenever I read that verse, I get a picture in my head of a woman building a brick house. She carefully places each brick to get a perfect seal with the mortar to ensure that her finished house will have strong walls. Even though it is so painstaking for her to place each brick correctly, she intermittently will pull a few bricks back off the wall and toss them aside.
It sounds so stupid when we picture it that way, but this Proverb reveals that many of us have a tendency to do just that in our own marriage. We put time and energy and love and sacrifice into our marriages to build them up and make them strong. Then, for whatever reason, we foolishly do things that tear our hard work back down again.
An opportunity came up last night for me to choose between placing bricks or tearing them down. I have a cold and Robbie made me some chicken noodle soup. I regret to say that instead of simply expressing my appreciation, I began to critique him on how he could've made it a little bit better. Next time, maybe cook the noodles separately and then add them to the soup when we're ready to eat so they won't be so mushy. It could use some more chicken, too. Why are the carrots and celery chopped so big? There go a few of my bricks. I cringe at myself this morning thinking about it.
The problem is, I can't just fix myself. I can't decide that from here on out, I'm going to express my appreciation more and my dissatisfaction less. My words aren't the problem; they are a symptom of the problem. Ultimately, it's my heart that needs fixing. Jesus explained this in Matthew 15:17-19.
In my case, my heart idolizes perfectionism. I want things to be just how I want them so my words express dissatisfaction and discontent when my standards aren't met. My heart also clings to being comfortable. When I'm hanging out with a person who's making inappropriate jokes or gossiping about someone, my words come out as people pleasing to avoid confrontation and an uncomfortable situation. Instead of standing up for truth, I remain silent or, worse yet, join in with the gossip.
So what's the solution? Jesus tells us in John 15:4-5.
Meditating on His word reminds me that He laid aside all comfort to endure crucifixion on my behalf. The more I am "held continually" by that thought, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more I want to spend time with Him. It's a vicious cycle really.
Maybe you feel like you've been pulling so many bricks from your marriage that it doesn't even resemble a house anymore. Maybe your marriage looks more like a pile of ruins at this point. Take heart! Jesus came to restore and to bring life and to set free. Ask Him for forgiveness, acknowledge that only He can change your heart, and then ask Him to direct you in what to do next.
"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." -Proverbs 14:1
Whenever I read that verse, I get a picture in my head of a woman building a brick house. She carefully places each brick to get a perfect seal with the mortar to ensure that her finished house will have strong walls. Even though it is so painstaking for her to place each brick correctly, she intermittently will pull a few bricks back off the wall and toss them aside.
It sounds so stupid when we picture it that way, but this Proverb reveals that many of us have a tendency to do just that in our own marriage. We put time and energy and love and sacrifice into our marriages to build them up and make them strong. Then, for whatever reason, we foolishly do things that tear our hard work back down again.
An opportunity came up last night for me to choose between placing bricks or tearing them down. I have a cold and Robbie made me some chicken noodle soup. I regret to say that instead of simply expressing my appreciation, I began to critique him on how he could've made it a little bit better. Next time, maybe cook the noodles separately and then add them to the soup when we're ready to eat so they won't be so mushy. It could use some more chicken, too. Why are the carrots and celery chopped so big? There go a few of my bricks. I cringe at myself this morning thinking about it.
The problem is, I can't just fix myself. I can't decide that from here on out, I'm going to express my appreciation more and my dissatisfaction less. My words aren't the problem; they are a symptom of the problem. Ultimately, it's my heart that needs fixing. Jesus explained this in Matthew 15:17-19.
"Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies."What he's saying is that my words are a reflection of the attitudes and beliefs I hold in my heart. If, in my heart, I'm an unforgiving and bitter person, it will come out in my words at some point, perhaps as sarcasm or angry comments. If I'm a controlling person in my heart, my words will be bossy and nit-picking. If I believe in my heart that I have no value, my words will be self-depricating (or they may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and be constantly self-praising in an attempt to cover my low self-image).
In my case, my heart idolizes perfectionism. I want things to be just how I want them so my words express dissatisfaction and discontent when my standards aren't met. My heart also clings to being comfortable. When I'm hanging out with a person who's making inappropriate jokes or gossiping about someone, my words come out as people pleasing to avoid confrontation and an uncomfortable situation. Instead of standing up for truth, I remain silent or, worse yet, join in with the gossip.
So what's the solution? Jesus tells us in John 15:4-5.
"Abide in Me and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing."The Greek word for abide is meno which means to remain, to stay, to wait for, or to be held/kept continually. My pastor always described it as "soaking in God's presence." The way to fix the perfectionism in my heart is to spend time with the One who is Himself perfect and yet is full of grace for those like me, the imperfect. The way to get rid of my idol of comfort is to hang out with the One who regularly had uncomfortable conversations regarding sin and yet was a magnet to sinners.
Meditating on His word reminds me that He laid aside all comfort to endure crucifixion on my behalf. The more I am "held continually" by that thought, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more I want to spend time with Him. It's a vicious cycle really.
Maybe you feel like you've been pulling so many bricks from your marriage that it doesn't even resemble a house anymore. Maybe your marriage looks more like a pile of ruins at this point. Take heart! Jesus came to restore and to bring life and to set free. Ask Him for forgiveness, acknowledge that only He can change your heart, and then ask Him to direct you in what to do next.
"Then I shall sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh... On the day that I cleanse you from all your iniquities, I will also enable you to dwell in the cities and the ruins shall be rebuilt." -Ezekiel 36:25-26,33
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Rocky
If you are friends with me on Facebook, you probably already know that I was recently introduced to the Rocky films for the first time in my life. So far, Robbie and I have only watched five of the six movies together but I keep asking one question, "Why has no one ever shown me this before now?!" The first Rocky film is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen in my entire life!
Not only is the acting impeccable and the dialogue superbly entertaining, but the story itself was the most elegant portrayal about the desires of a man's heart that I have ever seen in a film. If you know much about the making of Rocky, it was actually written by Sylvester Stallone when he was trying to make it into the movie industry. He approached studio after studio about it but refused to sell the rights unless he was allowed to play Rocky because he felt so strongly about how the character should be portrayed (mostly, I'm guessing, because Rocky was a picture of himself).
My favorite aspect of Rocky was the relationship between Rocky and his girlfriend, Adrian. I am not a cryer at all when it comes to movies, but several of their interactions brought tears to my eyes because I connected with their experiences in such a deep level of my heart. In many ways, their relationship reminded me of Robbie and myself and the process of getting into/going through Dental School. One scene in particular comes the night before the "big fight" against Apollo Creed (his opponent who happened to be the World Heavyweight Champion). Rocky lays down on the bed next to Adrian and shares with her that he knows he can't win the fight. Then he tells her something profound.
What I like most about this scene is that in that moment of vulnerability, Adrian didn't try to convince Rocky that he could win. She didn't even tell him to not go to the fight out of her own fear of him getting hurt. She just laid there with him and held him. Without words she showed him that she believed in him as a man and would support him in whatever he decided to do about the fight (*spoiler* he still went to the fight the next day).
I think every Dental Student will have their serious moments of self doubt through the process. In those moments, I will have the opportunity to speak life into Robbie by standing alongside him, showing him I believe in him, and pointing him to the one who enables him to achieve what he's meant to achieve.
I remember one time, in particular, when Robbie came home completely crushed by the tasks he was facing in school. We parked the car at our apartment and before going inside I began to pray for him. After just a moment, I distinctly sensed God telling me, "Have Robbie pray." So I told Robbie and through his tears, he shared with Jesus what was making him afraid and asked for strength and confidence. Before my eyes, Robbie's appearance changed as a calmness washed over him. God is the one who lead Robbie to pursue dentistry in the first place so by coming to Him, Robbie received his "daily bread," the need for that moment, which was peace that he would be able to finish the race set before him.
I am confident in my husband's ability to become a Dentist because I am confident in my God's faithfulness and might. And when that (figurative) bell of Dental school rings and Robbie's still standing, Robbie will know that he has what it takes and will give all glory to God.
Not only is the acting impeccable and the dialogue superbly entertaining, but the story itself was the most elegant portrayal about the desires of a man's heart that I have ever seen in a film. If you know much about the making of Rocky, it was actually written by Sylvester Stallone when he was trying to make it into the movie industry. He approached studio after studio about it but refused to sell the rights unless he was allowed to play Rocky because he felt so strongly about how the character should be portrayed (mostly, I'm guessing, because Rocky was a picture of himself).
My favorite aspect of Rocky was the relationship between Rocky and his girlfriend, Adrian. I am not a cryer at all when it comes to movies, but several of their interactions brought tears to my eyes because I connected with their experiences in such a deep level of my heart. In many ways, their relationship reminded me of Robbie and myself and the process of getting into/going through Dental School. One scene in particular comes the night before the "big fight" against Apollo Creed (his opponent who happened to be the World Heavyweight Champion). Rocky lays down on the bed next to Adrian and shares with her that he knows he can't win the fight. Then he tells her something profound.
"Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my head, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood."I think those few lines are what cause so many men to love this movie. Here's Rocky, this tough, hardened, ballsy guy about to face the biggest challenge of his life and in a moment of vulnerability he acknowledges his weakness and fear. Then he describes something that I believe God built into the heart of every man-- the desire to prove that he has what it takes, that he's not a phony.
What I like most about this scene is that in that moment of vulnerability, Adrian didn't try to convince Rocky that he could win. She didn't even tell him to not go to the fight out of her own fear of him getting hurt. She just laid there with him and held him. Without words she showed him that she believed in him as a man and would support him in whatever he decided to do about the fight (*spoiler* he still went to the fight the next day).
I think every Dental Student will have their serious moments of self doubt through the process. In those moments, I will have the opportunity to speak life into Robbie by standing alongside him, showing him I believe in him, and pointing him to the one who enables him to achieve what he's meant to achieve.
I remember one time, in particular, when Robbie came home completely crushed by the tasks he was facing in school. We parked the car at our apartment and before going inside I began to pray for him. After just a moment, I distinctly sensed God telling me, "Have Robbie pray." So I told Robbie and through his tears, he shared with Jesus what was making him afraid and asked for strength and confidence. Before my eyes, Robbie's appearance changed as a calmness washed over him. God is the one who lead Robbie to pursue dentistry in the first place so by coming to Him, Robbie received his "daily bread," the need for that moment, which was peace that he would be able to finish the race set before him.
I am confident in my husband's ability to become a Dentist because I am confident in my God's faithfulness and might. And when that (figurative) bell of Dental school rings and Robbie's still standing, Robbie will know that he has what it takes and will give all glory to God.
Friday, May 17, 2013
In-Laws
I came across an article on Yahoo the other day that was about "10 Things Never to Say to Your Mother In Law." It included things such as "I didn't ask your opinion," "Why didn't you teach your son to..." and "I hope I inherit your armoire." I felt it was a straightforward article that was simply trying to get across the point that you shouldn't be mean to your MIL. Boy did it strike a chord with some of the people who commented on the article though! There were some truly vicious comments people left about their MIL's and I just couldn't stop thinking about the whole topic for the last several days. I am very fortunate in that I get along really well with my in-laws, but even if you don't see eye to eye with your spouse's family, here's a few of thoughts that might help:
1) I am called to show the love of Jesus to everyone, no matter who they are or how they behave.
1) I am called to show the love of Jesus to everyone, no matter who they are or how they behave.
As a Christian, I believe I am called to live in a way that shines Jesus' love to everyone I come in contact with, whether that is the teller at my bank, the homeless person on the corner of the street, the atheist who cusses me out and mocks my beliefs, the barista who makes my coffee at Starbucks, or my Mother in Law.
"You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don't even the Gentiles do the same?" -Matthew 5:43-47 (Holman Christian Standard translation)
I'm not called to simply tolerate or put up with other people, I'm called to love them the way Jesus loves them. The Bible gives us an excellent description of what Jesus' love looks like in action. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that when we love someone, we will be patient with them, we will be kind to them, we won't envy what they have, we won't brag about ourselves to them or be focused on ourselves when interacting with them, we won't act improperly around them, we won't be easily provoked by them, and we won't keep a mental record of any way they have wronged us.2) The only thing that can enable me to truly love others is to spend time alone in the presence of God, getting to know Him and receiving His love.
I don't know about you, but showing Biblical love can seem really difficult (if not impossible) at times. The only way we can love others like this is to have been in the presence of Jesus, receiving His love. When I realize the fullness of God's love for me, it transforms me and overflows to the people around me.
"Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. God's love was revealed among us in this way: God sent His One and Only Son into the world so that we might live through Him. Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another... We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:7-11, 193) The only actions I am accountable for are my own but God can use my actions to change another person.
The only person's actions I can control are my own. God calls me to trust Him to hold others accountable for their actions and to leave justice up to Him.
"Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the LORD. 'But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." -Romans 12:17-21
I especially love the part that says, "So far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." I have experienced such great freedom in the realization that I am only responsible for me. If I have done everything within my power to be loving and kind towards someone, yet they still choose to repay me with hostility/meanness/rudeness, that's on them.
Our culture teaches us that if someone hurts us, we have every right to get back at them. But God offers us a higher road to take. If we choose to show kindness to someone who doesn't deserve it, God can use that to deeply convict that person and possibly bring about a change in them. If you can grasp a hold of how much of a power bomb kindness is, how much more effective it is than retaliation and bitterness, it will change your life.4) My relationship with my Mother In Law does not have to go along with the world's expectations.
Just because the world's expectation is that the relationship between a man's wife and his mother will more than likely be strained, competitive, conniving, etc. it does not mean I have to go that route and feed the stereotype. In fact, the story of one of the most beautiful relationships between two women can be found in the Book of Ruth between Ruth (a Moabitess) and Naomi, her Jewish Mother In Law. Naomi lived in Moab with her husband, their two sons, and their sons' wives for 10 years but after her husband and sons died, she decided to return to the land of Judah. Her Daughter In Law, Orpah, decides to go her separate way, but Ruth makes a beautiful declaration.
"But Ruth said, 'Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may the Lord do to me, and worse, if anything but death parts you and me.' When she saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her."
I realize more and more that my Mother In Law is a woman, just like me, has fears and desires and hopes, just like me, and needs the love and grace of God, just like me. She wants to feel needed, included, valued, and respected. What woman doesn't?! The more I see her through Jesus' eyes, the more my friendship with her and love for her can grow.
Some of the things I appreciate about my MIL are that: 1) She raised the man I love and played a part in helping him become all of the things I so appreciate about him. 2) She is really good at asking questions and showing interest in what's going on in my life. 3) She has amazing gardening knowledge (something I could definitely learn from her about since I always kill my plants). 4) She is really good at coming up with practical solutions to problems.
My dad told me that my mom's mom always said to him, "I don't like being called your Mother In Law. I prefer Mother In Love," meaning that her relationship to him was so much more than just a slip of paper that said he was married to her daughter. I pray that I can be a Mother In Love to my children's spouses someday!
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| Robbie and I with his family at our wedding. My MIL is in the red and my FIL is on the far left. |
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Dental School Wife Club
I spent a good deal of time today searching for blogs about Dental School and being the wife of a Dental Student and was surprised at how few there really are! I found a couple that were from several years ago but they hadn't been written on in 2 or 3 years. I did come across a fun blog called Decorating Through Dental School written by the wife of a Dental Student, but it is focused more on home decor ideas on a budget and less about Dental School itself. I've also been reading an excellent blog called Diary of a Dental School Wife written by the wife of a soon-to-be Dental Student.
While it's not a blog, I did come across the website for the Alliance of the ADA and they happen to have a Student Spouse program (which I happened to join for $5 because I'm just that cool). Here's a description of the program:
I want to hear the stories of other Dental School wives. I want to hear what they have enjoyed, what they have hated, what have been their joys, what has made them cry, what they have learned, how they are growing, what has made them laugh. That's what I hope this blog will be-- a place for other wives to read about what I experience as Robbie goes through Dental School, to gain encouragement from it, and to share their stories as well.
1) WHAT I HAVE ENJOYED ABOUT DENTAL SCHOOL
If you're a Dental School wife, please share your experiences in the comments!
While it's not a blog, I did come across the website for the Alliance of the ADA and they happen to have a Student Spouse program (which I happened to join for $5 because I'm just that cool). Here's a description of the program:
As the spouse of an American Student Dental Association (ASDA) member, you are eligible for a Student Membership in the Alliance of the American Dental Association. Membership in the Alliance provides opportunities to interact with others who share common concerns and interests, as well as opportunities to participate in special conferences, workshops, and community programs related to dentistry and dental health.I guess I'm just wishing there was more of a sense of community among Dental School wives. While I am in no way trying to say that having a husband in Dental School is anywhere close to the challenge and sacrifice of having a husband in the military, I am certainly jealous of the sense of camaraderie and support military wives have with one another. It's like an unspoken club where everyone just seems to understand each other a little better because of the shared experience.
I want to hear the stories of other Dental School wives. I want to hear what they have enjoyed, what they have hated, what have been their joys, what has made them cry, what they have learned, how they are growing, what has made them laugh. That's what I hope this blog will be-- a place for other wives to read about what I experience as Robbie goes through Dental School, to gain encouragement from it, and to share their stories as well.
1) WHAT I HAVE ENJOYED ABOUT DENTAL SCHOOL
I like the routine. I like the predictability of seeing his whole schedule for the semester and knowing what time we'll need to get up in the morning, what time he will likely get home each day, what time I should bring him lunch, when we can go on vacation, when he will be extra busy so I can plan accordingly, etc.
I have also enjoyed being a stay at home wife. Before we moved, I worked full time but now I have more time to do the things I really want to do like keeping my house in order, planning yummy meals, working out, doing crafts, writing a blog, etc.2) WHAT I HAVE HATED ABOUT DENTAL SCHOOL
Not being able to help him more. In spite of the fact that I am trained as a Dental Assistant, Robbie has already surpassed me in his dental knowledge (by quite a bit!). As a Dental Assistant, I was focused on the task of assisting-- keeping the dentist's line of vision clear, handing him the next instrument, taking treatment notes, but I didn't pay as much attention to the techniques the dentist was using. I wish I could be more help when Robbie asks me what bur the dentist used for certain fillings or how the dentist used a specific instrument. It makes me feel helpless at times when he is confused about something and I have no way of helping him.3) WHAT HAS BROUGHT ME JOY
Knowing that I am making a huge difference by doing the simple day-to-day chores. I get so much joy from being able to have a hot meal ready for him when he comes home, that he doesn't have to stress about whether or not he has clean scrubs to wear, that he has more time to study and practice in the lab because he doesn't have to go to the grocery store or get the oil in the car changed.4) WHAT HAS MADE ME CRY
Praying for Robbie after he has had particularly rough days. Praying for him to have victory and to experience success but that his joy won't be determined by the grades he gets or how well he feels he did in lab. Visiting our church back home and missing the community we had there. The end of the first semester made me cry in relief not because it was awful, but because I finally knew that we would be able to do this.5) WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
That I can be very selfish at times and that the purpose of marriage is not to make me happy, but rather to make me holy. Happiness is an awesome by-product of marriage (and believe me, I get a lot of happiness from my marriage), but the true purpose of marriage is to make me more like Jesus and to help my spouse be more like Jesus (which in the end leads to something much more permanent than regular old happiness-----it leads to joy).6) HOW I AM GROWING
Before I met Robbie, God brought me to a place where I knew that even if I never got married, Jesus was enough. For the first two years of Robbie and I's marriage, I really desperately wanted to have children. But over the past year, God has been freeing me from that sense of desperation to be a mother and replaced it with a quiet confidence that even if I never have kids, Jesus is enough. So if I become a mother, that's wonderful. If I don't, I will still praise Him!
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will leave this life. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Praise the name of Yahweh!" -Job 1:217) WHAT HAS MADE ME LAUGH
Finding fake teeth tumbling around in my dryer. Translating for Robbie when he pulls out all sorts of Dental jargon while telling his parents what he's learning in school. Corny Dental puns (see t-shirt below). How there always seems to be an episode in crime shows where the Dentist is the murderer. Steve Martin singing the Dentist Song in Little Shop of Horrors.
If you're a Dental School wife, please share your experiences in the comments!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Thoughts on Motherhood
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| creepy looking baby tooth |
Maybe it's that I have been feeding an adorable pregnant squirrel on our patio, or maybe it's that I got to feel my sister's baby kick inside her belly for the first time a few days ago, or maybe it's the oncoming spring weather (which today is more of a blizzard actually), or maybe it's that one of my Dental School wife friends has been talking about trying to get pregnant this summer... but whatever the reason I have had babies on my brain lately!
Robbie and I are really looking forward to becoming parents someday (and no, we are not pregnant right now if you were wondering haha). Heck, we've been discussing baby names since before we were married! We knew from the start of Dental School that we would want to start a family before he was done with all four years and we've received a lot of positive confirmation that it is totally possible. Not only do many of his classmates already have at least one kid, but all of the upper classmen Robbie has talked to say that once you get through first semester of second year, Dental School starts to really become more manageable. We have been told that third and fourth year especially are more like a regular 8-5 job because you are in the clinic most of the day instead of studying for a million tests.
I love making lists, so here are some of my thoughts and concerns about motherhood.
1) Children are a blessing. Yes, it costs money to have a baby and you have to think about the costs of healthcare, food, time, etc. but for what children cost financially, parents receive infinitely more back in love, joy, and lessons from God.
"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them..." -Psalm 127:3-5a2) Like marriage, having kids brings our own sinful tendencies to the surface and forces us to deal with them before God. We come under the ever-watchful eyes of children who are not afraid to point out when we mess up. We are forced to live out what we teach to our kids or face the blaringly honest accusations of hypocrisy. You want to teach your kids to be kind to others? You better be ready to show unconditional kindness to others. You want to teach your kids to have servant hearts instead of selfish hearts? You better be the leading example of servitude. You want to teach your kids to be grateful? You better learn to focus on thanking God for what you have instead of complaining. The prospect of having my own selfishness exposed is both amazing and terrifying!
3) Babies don't cost as much as our society claims. I am cheap to a fault at times but I see a lot of extravagant waste in our culture, especially in the areas of weddings and having kids. Half of the things I see on baby registries are completely unnecessary. Yes it's fun to have a themed nursery with all sorts of cute matchy-matchy baby stuff, but that's really for the parents to enjoy, isn't it? The baby doesn't care if he's sleeping on Winnie the Pooh sheets or plain white sheets. The baby won't remember if his crib skirt matched the wall decals and the pillow on the rocking chair and the rug. He won't care if he's changed on a fancy changing table or on a towel on the bed. His needs are food, a clean diaper, shelter, medical care, and affection (the most expensive obviously being medical care). Diapers can get expensive too, but there's always the cloth diaper option. All I'm saying is that when people say that babies are expensive, they are including the cost of convenience and luxury, not just necessity.
4) I'm overwhelmed by all the health information surrounding having a baby. Really this is my biggest concern right now. I feel like the big stuff about being a parent would all work itself out but when it comes to all the little decisions I have to make about pregnancy and birth, I just feel absolutely overwhelmed. What kind of vitamins should I take? What foods are safe/unsafe? How often should I exercise and how vigorously? How will my hormones affect my mood? How will being pregnant affect my sex life? What will my insurance cover? What are the pros and cons of having a home birth vs. a hospital birth vs. a birthing center birth? Should I use a Midwife or an OB/GYN? It's enough to make your head swim. Really, I don't think there's any one right way to have a baby; however, in this case ignorance is not bliss because it could greatly affect my health and the health of my baby.
Thank goodness I will not be the first woman in the world to have a baby (poor Eve! Can you imagine?! What do you think Adam was thinking as his wife's belly got bigger and bigger?). I'm also relieved that I have so many mom friends that I can ask for guidance and advice. The greatest comfort though is that God promises to give wisdom and understanding to anyone who asks for it and that He knows more about the human body than all of our human doctors combined.
Here's the pregnant squirrel I have been feeding on our patio. She is quite plump compared to the other squirrels!
This is the same pregnant squirrel. Notice how the first photo is sunny and the grass is
green? This photo with the snow is the very next day. Ah Colorado... I
love your bi-polar ways.
Here's me with my mom and sister getting pedicures for my mom's birthday. Look at my sister's adorable pregnant belly!!!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
How We Began
Four years ago yesterday, Robbie and I were introduced in front of our church. Less than three weeks later we were courting. Five months after that we got engaged. Three months after that we were married! In honor of the month that we met, I thought it would be fun to tell our story.
Basically from middle school all the way up to a year before I met Robbie, I really desperately wanted to get married. I had pretty low self esteem and I experienced a lot of heartache because I was constantly trying to get emotional satisfaction from the guys I knew. Marriage was an idol that caused me to think, "If I could just get married, then I would be happy. If a guy would only pursue me, then I would feel beautiful."
Around my third year in college, I came to the realization that nothing would satisfy this yearning in my heart for love except Jesus. Once I understood that Jesus loved me more deeply than any man ever could and that he pursued me better than any man ever could, I began to experience freedom. I still had the desire to get married, but it no longer consumed me. I knew in the depths of who I was that even if I never got married, Jesus was enough.
I became so content in being single that when God did finally bring my husband along about six months later, He knew I would need something very direct for me to be willing to enter that relationship. I was working with the Youth Group at our church when the Youth Pastor, Jeff, told me he wanted to introduce me to his wife's brother, Robbie. My response was, "I'm really not interested in dating right now." For a couple months, Jeff kept mentioning introducing Robbie to me.
Robbie finally came as a chaperone on a Youth Group outing to an indoor trampoline arena in Denver called Jumpstreet. Before driving down to Denver, we all met in front of the church to carpool. I remember seeing Robbie for the first time and thinking that he was attractive but still wanting to steer clear of the whole dating thing. Jeff introduced us and I shook his hand briefly, gave a quick, "Nice to meet you," and then scurried away to act busy while collecting all the students' permission slips.
The whole time we were at Jumpstreet I avoided him. I made the mistake of telling some of the high school girls that "Jeff is trying to set me up with that guy" and the girls mercilessly joked with me that they were going to tell Robbie that I wanted to talk to him. I hid in the bathroom half the time (it still makes me laugh that I was hiding in the bathroom from my husband).
Suddenly, one of the high school boys (I think his name was Stephen) was jumping on the trampoline and the lower half of his leg just snapped. I kid you not! His leg looked like it had an extra joint between the knee and the ankle. Jeff and Robbie rushed over to him (Robbie had just gotten his E.M.T. certificate) and did what they could until the ambulance arrived. I still feel so bad for that kid but because everyone's attention was now focused on him, it took the focus off Robbie and I. The students decided to circle up nearby to pray for him while he was being loaded into the ambulance and somehow Robbie ended up next to me. I still love that the first time we held hands it was to pray for someone else.
Since there was not much else we could do to help Stephen, and the students were getting hungry, we went down the street to McDonald's. One of the high school girls was feeling really motion sick (and/or sick from seeing Stephen's leg snap) so Robbie drove her down the street to a gas station to get some Dramomine. In the meantime, Jeff sat me down and said, "Ariel, I just want to let you know that Danielle and I have been praying about it for several months and we really feel like you and Robbie are supposed to be together." I really don't remember my exact response but it was something like, "um... okay..."
Jeff and Danielle asked me to come to their house that following Thursday to help them paint their living room and kitchen. They told me Robbie would be coming as well. I remember one of the things I kept praying that week was, "God, if I'm supposed to be with Robbie, why would you tell Jeff and not me?" and I sensed that God's response was, "I want you to trust what I am doing in other people." Looking back now, I realize that if God had tried to speak to me directly about being with Robbie, I would've dismissed it as my own selfish desires and not as direction from Him. God knew that I needed to hear it from someone I respected as a godly person before I would feel that it wasn't just my own emotions making me want to date Robbie.
Thursday finally came so I went over to start painting. Robbie got there about an hour after me because he had class. His arrival was announced by Jeff and Danielle's younger son, Avery, who shouted, "Wobbie!" I didn't want to rush over and seem too excited to see him so I simply gave him a nice little smile and kept on painting. Robbie still insists that it was a smirk and not a smile.
We were quickly assigned to the tiny kitchen to paint together. Our conversation flowed so easily that it felt like we had been friends for much longer than those couple hours. I thought he was so funny, handsome, and intelligent. We all took a break from painting to grab dinner at Q'doba. On the way back from Q'doba, Jeff and Danielle's older son, Mason, asked, "Are you guys girlfriends? Are you going to marry her, Robs?" I wanted to crawl under the car seat and die at that point. Robbie kept his cool and made some joke right back at Mason, completely diffusing the situation. It's still something that I love about his personality-- he can make truly awkward situations so much more bearable with his light-hearted sense of humor.
It started to rain when we got back to Jeff and Danielle's house. I had Bible study that evening so Robbie helped me carry my things to the car. I got in my car to drive off and he came around to the driver side window. While standing there in the rain, he told me that he would really like to take me out sometime and asked for my phone number. I could not have been more excited. The whole way to Bible study I called basically every female friend I had to tell them what had happened. My friends at Bible study all laughed at how giddy and glowing I was in spite of the fact that my car broke down in the parking lot just as I pulled in. Who can care about her car breaking down when her future husband is in possession of her phone number?
Long before I met Robbie, I prayed that the first man to bring me flowers would be my husband. Here's the first bouquet I ever received:
Robbie brought them to me on April 30th, 2009, the day he asked to court me with the intent of marriage. April of 2009 was such a great month!
Basically from middle school all the way up to a year before I met Robbie, I really desperately wanted to get married. I had pretty low self esteem and I experienced a lot of heartache because I was constantly trying to get emotional satisfaction from the guys I knew. Marriage was an idol that caused me to think, "If I could just get married, then I would be happy. If a guy would only pursue me, then I would feel beautiful."
Around my third year in college, I came to the realization that nothing would satisfy this yearning in my heart for love except Jesus. Once I understood that Jesus loved me more deeply than any man ever could and that he pursued me better than any man ever could, I began to experience freedom. I still had the desire to get married, but it no longer consumed me. I knew in the depths of who I was that even if I never got married, Jesus was enough.
I became so content in being single that when God did finally bring my husband along about six months later, He knew I would need something very direct for me to be willing to enter that relationship. I was working with the Youth Group at our church when the Youth Pastor, Jeff, told me he wanted to introduce me to his wife's brother, Robbie. My response was, "I'm really not interested in dating right now." For a couple months, Jeff kept mentioning introducing Robbie to me.
Robbie finally came as a chaperone on a Youth Group outing to an indoor trampoline arena in Denver called Jumpstreet. Before driving down to Denver, we all met in front of the church to carpool. I remember seeing Robbie for the first time and thinking that he was attractive but still wanting to steer clear of the whole dating thing. Jeff introduced us and I shook his hand briefly, gave a quick, "Nice to meet you," and then scurried away to act busy while collecting all the students' permission slips.
The whole time we were at Jumpstreet I avoided him. I made the mistake of telling some of the high school girls that "Jeff is trying to set me up with that guy" and the girls mercilessly joked with me that they were going to tell Robbie that I wanted to talk to him. I hid in the bathroom half the time (it still makes me laugh that I was hiding in the bathroom from my husband).
Suddenly, one of the high school boys (I think his name was Stephen) was jumping on the trampoline and the lower half of his leg just snapped. I kid you not! His leg looked like it had an extra joint between the knee and the ankle. Jeff and Robbie rushed over to him (Robbie had just gotten his E.M.T. certificate) and did what they could until the ambulance arrived. I still feel so bad for that kid but because everyone's attention was now focused on him, it took the focus off Robbie and I. The students decided to circle up nearby to pray for him while he was being loaded into the ambulance and somehow Robbie ended up next to me. I still love that the first time we held hands it was to pray for someone else.
Since there was not much else we could do to help Stephen, and the students were getting hungry, we went down the street to McDonald's. One of the high school girls was feeling really motion sick (and/or sick from seeing Stephen's leg snap) so Robbie drove her down the street to a gas station to get some Dramomine. In the meantime, Jeff sat me down and said, "Ariel, I just want to let you know that Danielle and I have been praying about it for several months and we really feel like you and Robbie are supposed to be together." I really don't remember my exact response but it was something like, "um... okay..."
Jeff and Danielle asked me to come to their house that following Thursday to help them paint their living room and kitchen. They told me Robbie would be coming as well. I remember one of the things I kept praying that week was, "God, if I'm supposed to be with Robbie, why would you tell Jeff and not me?" and I sensed that God's response was, "I want you to trust what I am doing in other people." Looking back now, I realize that if God had tried to speak to me directly about being with Robbie, I would've dismissed it as my own selfish desires and not as direction from Him. God knew that I needed to hear it from someone I respected as a godly person before I would feel that it wasn't just my own emotions making me want to date Robbie.
Thursday finally came so I went over to start painting. Robbie got there about an hour after me because he had class. His arrival was announced by Jeff and Danielle's younger son, Avery, who shouted, "Wobbie!" I didn't want to rush over and seem too excited to see him so I simply gave him a nice little smile and kept on painting. Robbie still insists that it was a smirk and not a smile.
We were quickly assigned to the tiny kitchen to paint together. Our conversation flowed so easily that it felt like we had been friends for much longer than those couple hours. I thought he was so funny, handsome, and intelligent. We all took a break from painting to grab dinner at Q'doba. On the way back from Q'doba, Jeff and Danielle's older son, Mason, asked, "Are you guys girlfriends? Are you going to marry her, Robs?" I wanted to crawl under the car seat and die at that point. Robbie kept his cool and made some joke right back at Mason, completely diffusing the situation. It's still something that I love about his personality-- he can make truly awkward situations so much more bearable with his light-hearted sense of humor.
It started to rain when we got back to Jeff and Danielle's house. I had Bible study that evening so Robbie helped me carry my things to the car. I got in my car to drive off and he came around to the driver side window. While standing there in the rain, he told me that he would really like to take me out sometime and asked for my phone number. I could not have been more excited. The whole way to Bible study I called basically every female friend I had to tell them what had happened. My friends at Bible study all laughed at how giddy and glowing I was in spite of the fact that my car broke down in the parking lot just as I pulled in. Who can care about her car breaking down when her future husband is in possession of her phone number?
Long before I met Robbie, I prayed that the first man to bring me flowers would be my husband. Here's the first bouquet I ever received:
Robbie brought them to me on April 30th, 2009, the day he asked to court me with the intent of marriage. April of 2009 was such a great month!
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| One of our first dates at a hockey game. It was the first time Robbie put his arm around me. |
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| At my sister's house for 4th of July-- playing with my her dog, Oakley |
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| Hiking Horsetooth Falls in Fort Collins |
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| Eating delicious (and gluten free) rice cakes |
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| "3 month courting anniversary" at Casa Bonita |
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| Engaged on September 11, 2009 |
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| Married on December 20, 2009 |
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Can't Wait for Spring Break!
Another reason I'm looking forward to spring break is that we're going back east for a couple days to visit some of my extended family, many of whom I haven't seen in about 10 years! I can hardly wait to introduce Robbie to all of them and show off my awesome husband a little bit. :)
Robbie and I have been lucky to be able to take several trips together since we got married-- two to California (read "Ariel going insane at Disneyland"), one to Arizona to visit Dental Schools, and one to Alamosa, Colorado to see the sand dunes and an alligator farm. I just love traveling with him because we both tend to be a little more laid-back about trip planning. We don't try to cram a ton of activities in and then wind up coming home exhausted. Instead we try to just have a general idea of what we might like to do and then adjust our plans once we get there to how we're feeling.
Since this semester has been a little nutty, I have a feeling that we are going to do a lot of relaxing and just enjoy my family's company. If we do decide to do something a little more touristy, I think it might be a visit to Thomas Jefferson's house (Robbie loves historical stuff).
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| Here's us at the alligator farm holding Capone. |
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| Please note my awesome Little Mermaid shirt. |
What about you guys? Do you plan trips down to the minute or are you go-with-the flow kind of travelers?
Friday, March 8, 2013
How to Thrive While Your Husband's in Dental School
Today I want to write about a big myth that was repeatedly told to me before Robbie started Dental School. When we excitedly began to share the news that Robbie had been accepted, I had several (well meaning) people say these lovely words to me: "That's great! I'm so happy for you guys. Say goodbye to your husband, though. He'll be so busy you'll never see him."
First of all, what is with people needing to say something so negative when something so awesome has happened? Be happy for me!! It's like telling people you just won the vacation of a lifetime to go on an African safari and all they want to talk about is how long the flight will be, how many shots you'll need to get so you don't get some scary disease, how hot and miserable it's going to be while you're there, etc. They are completely missing the fact that you are going to experience an incredible adventure-- all the amazing animals you'll get to see, all the cool cultural experiences you will have, and all the memories you will make!
Anyways, part of my personality is that I really dislike change and as someone who is used to spending a lot of quality time with my husband, I started to fear that our marriage would change and I really would never see him once he started school. Now that we're 7 months in to this experience, I want to share a few things I've learned about how to not just survive while my husband is in Dental School, but how to thrive!
1) Choose to be flexible instead of rigid.
The myth of the magical disappearing husband is a lie; however, it will definitely take more effort and creativity to spend time together than before. Before he started school, we agreed that one date a week was something we wanted to make a priority. We have had to learn to be creative in how we make that happen. Friday night has been the best time for us personally because he doesn't have school the next morning and he knows that he has two whole days over the weekend to work on things for school so it's easier for him to relax more. The hard part about Friday nights, however, is that at the end of a long week, Robbie often feels mentally drained. I've found that some of the best dates we've had are simply the ones where we stay in on a Friday night, have a glass of wine together, and cuddle while we watch a movie on Netflix. If you always have the expectation that a date must involve getting dressed up, going out to dinner, and then going dancing, you will probably be disappointed. But if you choose to be flexible and redefine what a date can look like, you are going to enjoy your time with your husband so much more. Isn't learning to be flexible instead of rigid a useful quality to have in life in general?
2) Choose to actively participate in his world sometimes.
If you feel like you're not seeing enough of your husband in the non-Dental School part of your life together, why not step into his Dental School life some? You can offer to quiz him to help him study for an upcoming test or go to the lab with him on the weekends and read while he works. Ask him about what he's learning in class (and actually listen and try to understand!). Go to Starbucks with him to keep him company so he can study while you read (or look at Pinterest). If it works with your schedule, try bringing your husband lunch on campus and have a short picnic together. Make him some cookies and bring them to campus as a surprise if he has to stay after school to work. The goal of being a Dentist is not just for him, it's for his family and you can choose to play an active role in his success.
3) Choose to actively build a support network.
Your husband cannot be the only person you interact with. You need other friends, too! If you moved to a new city (or even state!) for school, this is even more important. The first month living in Denver was the hardest because I felt isolated and friendless. Sometimes it's hard for me to make friends because I feel intimidated about introducing myself to people I don't know. We spent a lot of time praying for God to provide me with a support network and He was so faithful to provide for my need! We had a "chance" encounter outside of Starbucks with one of Robbie's classmates who recognized him from class and now his wife is my closest friend up here. We celebrated Thanksgiving with them and two other Dental School couples. We go to church with them and eat dinner at their house. The fact that we share the common bond of our husbands being in Dental School means that we have an idea of what each other is going through. An extra bonus of having her as a friend is that she has kids and is a wonderful mom so I get to see the struggles and joys of parenting during Dental School and help her out where I can. If you're having a hard time connecting with your husband's classmates' wives, try getting plugged in in other ways. Join a book club, try out a class that teaches you a hobby (like painting or quilting), join an exercise class, go to church with your spouse and join a Bible study, etc. There are a lot of ways to meet people but you have to make the choice to not be a recluse.
4) Choose to be a refreshing person to be around.
This one has been the most challenging for me by far. I find it difficult to not get caught up in my own frustrations or boredom so that when Robbie comes home, he finds it refreshing to be around me instead of draining. I'm not talking about faking your emotions or just putting on a happy face for show. I'm talking about making the choice to look for the positive in your day, to have a grateful heart that chooses joy instead of self-pity. Dental School is hard enough without coming home to someone who is feeling sorry for themselves and complaining about their day. After feeling convicted about needing an attitude change, I've tried to think of three positive things I can tell Robbie about my day when I pick him up from school. Then, if there's something negative I need to work through with him, I bring it up later on once he's had time to be recharge a little. I love it when he tells me, "It's so refreshing to come home to you. I always look forward to coming home." I have a feeling that (sadly) some guys don't like to go home because they know they are going to hear complaining and nagging about why they aren't home more. I wouldn't want to be in that environment either! Inspiring instead of requiring time at home is the way to win here.
I just want to point out that we do not have kids of our own yet but we plan to start our family around his third year. I know that having kids in Dental School presents some additional challenges but I still feel like the above recommendations can work for anyone, whether you have kids or not. You can even try to get your kids involved in these ideas if they are old enough to understand. Ask them for ideas about how they could refresh Daddy and use it as a teaching opportunity about how our negative emotions affect other people. If the school allows it, take the kids in occasionally to see where Daddy is working and for him to show them what he is learning to do.
Overall, I just want to stress that the changes that come with Dental School do not need to be feared. Don't view it as just the means to an end (ie. I can't wait for this to be over so our life can finally begin and our marriage can go back to normal!). Dental School is an excellent season for lessons in selflessness and caring that can help you through many other seasons of marriage down the road if you will choose to make the most of it right now.
First of all, what is with people needing to say something so negative when something so awesome has happened? Be happy for me!! It's like telling people you just won the vacation of a lifetime to go on an African safari and all they want to talk about is how long the flight will be, how many shots you'll need to get so you don't get some scary disease, how hot and miserable it's going to be while you're there, etc. They are completely missing the fact that you are going to experience an incredible adventure-- all the amazing animals you'll get to see, all the cool cultural experiences you will have, and all the memories you will make!
Anyways, part of my personality is that I really dislike change and as someone who is used to spending a lot of quality time with my husband, I started to fear that our marriage would change and I really would never see him once he started school. Now that we're 7 months in to this experience, I want to share a few things I've learned about how to not just survive while my husband is in Dental School, but how to thrive!
1) Choose to be flexible instead of rigid.
The myth of the magical disappearing husband is a lie; however, it will definitely take more effort and creativity to spend time together than before. Before he started school, we agreed that one date a week was something we wanted to make a priority. We have had to learn to be creative in how we make that happen. Friday night has been the best time for us personally because he doesn't have school the next morning and he knows that he has two whole days over the weekend to work on things for school so it's easier for him to relax more. The hard part about Friday nights, however, is that at the end of a long week, Robbie often feels mentally drained. I've found that some of the best dates we've had are simply the ones where we stay in on a Friday night, have a glass of wine together, and cuddle while we watch a movie on Netflix. If you always have the expectation that a date must involve getting dressed up, going out to dinner, and then going dancing, you will probably be disappointed. But if you choose to be flexible and redefine what a date can look like, you are going to enjoy your time with your husband so much more. Isn't learning to be flexible instead of rigid a useful quality to have in life in general?
2) Choose to actively participate in his world sometimes.
If you feel like you're not seeing enough of your husband in the non-Dental School part of your life together, why not step into his Dental School life some? You can offer to quiz him to help him study for an upcoming test or go to the lab with him on the weekends and read while he works. Ask him about what he's learning in class (and actually listen and try to understand!). Go to Starbucks with him to keep him company so he can study while you read (or look at Pinterest). If it works with your schedule, try bringing your husband lunch on campus and have a short picnic together. Make him some cookies and bring them to campus as a surprise if he has to stay after school to work. The goal of being a Dentist is not just for him, it's for his family and you can choose to play an active role in his success.
3) Choose to actively build a support network.
Your husband cannot be the only person you interact with. You need other friends, too! If you moved to a new city (or even state!) for school, this is even more important. The first month living in Denver was the hardest because I felt isolated and friendless. Sometimes it's hard for me to make friends because I feel intimidated about introducing myself to people I don't know. We spent a lot of time praying for God to provide me with a support network and He was so faithful to provide for my need! We had a "chance" encounter outside of Starbucks with one of Robbie's classmates who recognized him from class and now his wife is my closest friend up here. We celebrated Thanksgiving with them and two other Dental School couples. We go to church with them and eat dinner at their house. The fact that we share the common bond of our husbands being in Dental School means that we have an idea of what each other is going through. An extra bonus of having her as a friend is that she has kids and is a wonderful mom so I get to see the struggles and joys of parenting during Dental School and help her out where I can. If you're having a hard time connecting with your husband's classmates' wives, try getting plugged in in other ways. Join a book club, try out a class that teaches you a hobby (like painting or quilting), join an exercise class, go to church with your spouse and join a Bible study, etc. There are a lot of ways to meet people but you have to make the choice to not be a recluse.
4) Choose to be a refreshing person to be around.
This one has been the most challenging for me by far. I find it difficult to not get caught up in my own frustrations or boredom so that when Robbie comes home, he finds it refreshing to be around me instead of draining. I'm not talking about faking your emotions or just putting on a happy face for show. I'm talking about making the choice to look for the positive in your day, to have a grateful heart that chooses joy instead of self-pity. Dental School is hard enough without coming home to someone who is feeling sorry for themselves and complaining about their day. After feeling convicted about needing an attitude change, I've tried to think of three positive things I can tell Robbie about my day when I pick him up from school. Then, if there's something negative I need to work through with him, I bring it up later on once he's had time to be recharge a little. I love it when he tells me, "It's so refreshing to come home to you. I always look forward to coming home." I have a feeling that (sadly) some guys don't like to go home because they know they are going to hear complaining and nagging about why they aren't home more. I wouldn't want to be in that environment either! Inspiring instead of requiring time at home is the way to win here.
I just want to point out that we do not have kids of our own yet but we plan to start our family around his third year. I know that having kids in Dental School presents some additional challenges but I still feel like the above recommendations can work for anyone, whether you have kids or not. You can even try to get your kids involved in these ideas if they are old enough to understand. Ask them for ideas about how they could refresh Daddy and use it as a teaching opportunity about how our negative emotions affect other people. If the school allows it, take the kids in occasionally to see where Daddy is working and for him to show them what he is learning to do.
Overall, I just want to stress that the changes that come with Dental School do not need to be feared. Don't view it as just the means to an end (ie. I can't wait for this to be over so our life can finally begin and our marriage can go back to normal!). Dental School is an excellent season for lessons in selflessness and caring that can help you through many other seasons of marriage down the road if you will choose to make the most of it right now.
Here's Robbie working on his first lab assignment of Dental School-- to fill in shapes and letters with wax.
Robbie graduated from filling in shapes to carving wax teeth.
Now that he's able to carve wax teeth, he gets to practice placing fillings in a dummy. He's becoming a dentist before my eyes!
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