First of all, what is with people needing to say something so negative when something so awesome has happened? Be happy for me!! It's like telling people you just won the vacation of a lifetime to go on an African safari and all they want to talk about is how long the flight will be, how many shots you'll need to get so you don't get some scary disease, how hot and miserable it's going to be while you're there, etc. They are completely missing the fact that you are going to experience an incredible adventure-- all the amazing animals you'll get to see, all the cool cultural experiences you will have, and all the memories you will make!
Anyways, part of my personality is that I really dislike change and as someone who is used to spending a lot of quality time with my husband, I started to fear that our marriage would change and I really would never see him once he started school. Now that we're 7 months in to this experience, I want to share a few things I've learned about how to not just survive while my husband is in Dental School, but how to thrive!
1) Choose to be flexible instead of rigid.
The myth of the magical disappearing husband is a lie; however, it will definitely take more effort and creativity to spend time together than before. Before he started school, we agreed that one date a week was something we wanted to make a priority. We have had to learn to be creative in how we make that happen. Friday night has been the best time for us personally because he doesn't have school the next morning and he knows that he has two whole days over the weekend to work on things for school so it's easier for him to relax more. The hard part about Friday nights, however, is that at the end of a long week, Robbie often feels mentally drained. I've found that some of the best dates we've had are simply the ones where we stay in on a Friday night, have a glass of wine together, and cuddle while we watch a movie on Netflix. If you always have the expectation that a date must involve getting dressed up, going out to dinner, and then going dancing, you will probably be disappointed. But if you choose to be flexible and redefine what a date can look like, you are going to enjoy your time with your husband so much more. Isn't learning to be flexible instead of rigid a useful quality to have in life in general?
2) Choose to actively participate in his world sometimes.
If you feel like you're not seeing enough of your husband in the non-Dental School part of your life together, why not step into his Dental School life some? You can offer to quiz him to help him study for an upcoming test or go to the lab with him on the weekends and read while he works. Ask him about what he's learning in class (and actually listen and try to understand!). Go to Starbucks with him to keep him company so he can study while you read (or look at Pinterest). If it works with your schedule, try bringing your husband lunch on campus and have a short picnic together. Make him some cookies and bring them to campus as a surprise if he has to stay after school to work. The goal of being a Dentist is not just for him, it's for his family and you can choose to play an active role in his success.
3) Choose to actively build a support network.
Your husband cannot be the only person you interact with. You need other friends, too! If you moved to a new city (or even state!) for school, this is even more important. The first month living in Denver was the hardest because I felt isolated and friendless. Sometimes it's hard for me to make friends because I feel intimidated about introducing myself to people I don't know. We spent a lot of time praying for God to provide me with a support network and He was so faithful to provide for my need! We had a "chance" encounter outside of Starbucks with one of Robbie's classmates who recognized him from class and now his wife is my closest friend up here. We celebrated Thanksgiving with them and two other Dental School couples. We go to church with them and eat dinner at their house. The fact that we share the common bond of our husbands being in Dental School means that we have an idea of what each other is going through. An extra bonus of having her as a friend is that she has kids and is a wonderful mom so I get to see the struggles and joys of parenting during Dental School and help her out where I can. If you're having a hard time connecting with your husband's classmates' wives, try getting plugged in in other ways. Join a book club, try out a class that teaches you a hobby (like painting or quilting), join an exercise class, go to church with your spouse and join a Bible study, etc. There are a lot of ways to meet people but you have to make the choice to not be a recluse.
4) Choose to be a refreshing person to be around.
This one has been the most challenging for me by far. I find it difficult to not get caught up in my own frustrations or boredom so that when Robbie comes home, he finds it refreshing to be around me instead of draining. I'm not talking about faking your emotions or just putting on a happy face for show. I'm talking about making the choice to look for the positive in your day, to have a grateful heart that chooses joy instead of self-pity. Dental School is hard enough without coming home to someone who is feeling sorry for themselves and complaining about their day. After feeling convicted about needing an attitude change, I've tried to think of three positive things I can tell Robbie about my day when I pick him up from school. Then, if there's something negative I need to work through with him, I bring it up later on once he's had time to be recharge a little. I love it when he tells me, "It's so refreshing to come home to you. I always look forward to coming home." I have a feeling that (sadly) some guys don't like to go home because they know they are going to hear complaining and nagging about why they aren't home more. I wouldn't want to be in that environment either! Inspiring instead of requiring time at home is the way to win here.
I just want to point out that we do not have kids of our own yet but we plan to start our family around his third year. I know that having kids in Dental School presents some additional challenges but I still feel like the above recommendations can work for anyone, whether you have kids or not. You can even try to get your kids involved in these ideas if they are old enough to understand. Ask them for ideas about how they could refresh Daddy and use it as a teaching opportunity about how our negative emotions affect other people. If the school allows it, take the kids in occasionally to see where Daddy is working and for him to show them what he is learning to do.
Overall, I just want to stress that the changes that come with Dental School do not need to be feared. Don't view it as just the means to an end (ie. I can't wait for this to be over so our life can finally begin and our marriage can go back to normal!). Dental School is an excellent season for lessons in selflessness and caring that can help you through many other seasons of marriage down the road if you will choose to make the most of it right now.
Here's Robbie working on his first lab assignment of Dental School-- to fill in shapes and letters with wax.
Robbie graduated from filling in shapes to carving wax teeth.
Now that he's able to carve wax teeth, he gets to practice placing fillings in a dummy. He's becoming a dentist before my eyes!
Great post! This was very helpful to read :)
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of "chance" encounters, I feel blessed to see a positive perspective and great advice at one of my lower/most nervous points of our own dental school journey. This will be great advice to remember and live when my husband starts school this August.
Gotta love how things work out like that :)
Thanks for the feedback, Kate! I've just had such a good experience over the past several months that I really wanted to share what I've been learning. We've definitely still got a ways to go, so I'll try to write a new post every so often about the experience. And yes, "chance" encounters are awesome! haha
DeleteThank you so much for your blog! I found it on Pinterest. Like you, we've heard the single wife/single mother talk and it really got me down. I talked with a friend fromm college who her hubs is now on his third year and she helped me with pointers, but this post just really got me more excited for our dental school journey starting in July! I'm now a follower :)
ReplyDeleteI love the perspective you put in #4 and to be the person he wants to come home to. I never thought about my attitude affecting his after a hard day at school.
Thank you again so so much for your look on things and for sharing!
Dawn, you just made my day! I'm so glad you liked the post and I'm excited for you guys to experience Dental School! :) Where will he be attending?
DeleteThe hubs is going to AT Still in Mesa. His #1 pick!
DeleteHow cool! Robbie and I actually toured there before his first round of applying. I thought both of the schools in Arizona were beautiful!
DeleteFound your blog through pinterest as well! My husband is about to finish his second year of dental school, and like you said, having him so busy is way hard but definitely doable. Great list, we have two kids and I totally feel like all those apply!!
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome, Loren! Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving feedback! How's he enjoying Dental School? I would love to hear your perspective on being a mom while he's in school.
DeleteHi Ariel, I am now following your wonderful blog! It was refreshing to find your blog on Pinterest - I had never even considered looking for blogs about dental school wives and am not sure why! I feel like I have missed out this whole year! Many of your posts so far seem to parallel my feelings/thoughts/woes/hopes exactly! My husband is also wrapping up his 1st year in dental school, at NYU, and it has definitely been a year of adjustment--but a great year! I look forward to seeing what comes next...I hear 2nd year is the toughest, at least at NYU. Looking forward to more of your blogs! --Julie
ReplyDeleteHello Julie,
DeleteHope you can read my reply! :)
My boyfriend just got acceptance from NYU dental school, and now we are talking about our future plan. I would love to talk to you more about being dental student's wife especially in the city where everything is so expensive.
Love this! Thanks for Sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Ariel! First off, I just found your blog and am so happy. I've only read this entry so far, but found it so self-reflecting. My husband is about to enter into his third year of dental school and we are going through so many similar things it seems. I loved when you said 'the goal of being a dentist is not just for him, it's for his family'. That was exactly what I needed to hear. It's easy to get caught in a rut of coming home, complaining about my co-workers, asking about his day and making a sad face when he says he needs to have a focused study night again. It's also easy, like you said, to become reclusive with the limited free time you have and stay in your newlywed bubble. We are a work in progress, but it's so enlightening to hear encouraging words from a wife in my shoes :) I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDelete-Courtni (courtnierickson@blogspot.com)
Hi Courtni! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment and sorry it took so long for me to respond. What school does your husband go to?
DeleteLove this list! As a wife of a dental student getting ready to graduate...it's all so important. We had a baby at the beginning of 4th year. It's so doable!
ReplyDeleteLove your blog, looking forward to reading more :)
Thanks for the comment Tiffany and congrats on him finishing Dental School! Second year has definitely been more challenging than first year, which has put having kids on the back burner of my mind for a little while. We'll have to test the waters of 3rd year before deciding on timing for kiddos. :)
DeleteI am very excited that I found this blog! My fiance will be starting dental school in August and we will get married during his short break next July. Thanks so much for your advice and I look forward to seeing more posts :)
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome, Hope! Where is he going to attend school? Thanks for leaving a comment. :)
DeleteThank you for putting up this post. I have been feeling really down recently and this is just what I needed to boost me up. My husband is a first year student at At Still in AZ and is one of those perfectionist students who has Rio have straight A's and be the top off his class. I don't get to see him very often and when I do he is always so worn out. The point that you made about staying positive and being a breath of fresh air is a great idea. Also, I loved that you pointed out that we are just learning skills in selflessness and strength that will only help our marriage in the future.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment, Nora. AT Still was actually one of Robbie's application choices and we went on a trip to tour both of the schools in Arizona when we first got married. It can definitely be difficult when your husband is working so hard in school. 3rd and 4th year definitely do get a lot better on average with the class load so just remember that it won't always be this much studying!
DeleteHi Ms. Meye, thanks for the comment! During Robbie's first year of school, I chose to stay at home. It really helped us adjust to his new work load because I was able to take on pretty much all the home responsibilities like grocery shopping, paying bills, cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. This in turn gave us more time to do fun things together when he actually had a night off. When second year started, I was able to get a job as a Dental Assistant at the Dental School. We got to see each other a lot more during the day (driving to school together, having lunch, etc) but made keeping up on household stuff a lot harder. By the time we got home, we were both pretty beat by the end of the day and neither of us felt like cooking/cleaning. I just recently stopped working so I could have a couple months off before our first baby is born in May. While I'm very glad I worked during his 2nd and 3rd years, I can say that for us as a couple it is by far a happier balance when I'm at home. I think it just depends on the demands of your job and you guys as a couple. A lot of people in Robbie's class are married and there is a pretty good mix of which ones have a spouse working or a spouse at home.
ReplyDeleteThis was such an awesome article! My husband starts at USC in August and I've been nervous I'll never see him. I have another question for you though. I really want to start a family around his third year but I have no idea how to afford it with all of the loans. Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteCongrats to your husband on getting in to Dental School. I know it was a difficult process! Anyways, we are actually due with our first child in less than two weeks and Robbie is just about to finish his 3rd year of school. I chose to work during his second and most of his third year, so we tried to save up as much money from that as we could. Also, when we filled out his FAFSA for the 2015-2016 school year, there was a section that asked how many dependents he would have for that specific school year so we were able to include Baby in our application for loans/aid. Many of his classmates have kids already or got pregnant this year and simply take out more loans to cover their family's needs.
DeleteI'm not sure if every school works this way, but essentially before each semester Robbie receives a list of loan amounts that are being offered to him and he picks which ones to accept. We haven't even accepted all the loans that were offered because we simply didn't need them and because we wanted to avoid the loans that have higher interest rates or earlier pay-back requirements.
Hope that helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.