Love Like Enamel

Well, we made it, guys! Our Dental School journey came to an end faster than I could've ever anticipated! We had a crazy busy May and June that included Jubilee's first birthday party, Robbie's Senior Banquet and graduation, moving, Robbie's graduation party, and selling our house! Robbie received his dental license and is in the process of finding a job in the area. I am shocked at how suddenly things changed but even more surprised by how normal it feels to be done with that stage of our lives. Was that really four years? Is he really a Doctor already? Yes and yes!

Successful Motherhood

There are so many different requirements pushed on moms these days of what it means to be a successful mother. A lot of it is based on what our society values but even within a single society there are sub-cultures that value completely different things. Depending on who you talk to, being a successful mother may mean...

• Your child gets the best education
• Your child only eats organic foods (or gluten-free foods or GMO-free foods or foods purchased locally, etc)
• You can maintain a successful career outside the home
• Your child excels in sports
• You are there for their every need 100% of the time
• Your child thinks you're cool and calls you her best friend
• Your child is a law abiding citizen who breaks out in a rash if they even think about breaking a rule
• Your child is a free thinker who isn't bound by the rules of society
• You can run a marathon 2 months after giving birth
• Your child grows up to earn a Nobel Prize in physics
• Your child is a prodigy violin/piano/chess/trumpet/guitar/etc player
• Your child chooses a "good" career when they grow up
• Your child is popular in school
• Your child grows up in a stable home

Do any of these strike a chord with you? I know for certain that some of them will NEVER happen in my family (ie. me running a marathon), some of them MAY happen (ie. my child excelling in sports--their dad was a Decathlete after all), and I will try very hard to make the last one happen.

As each day brings me closer and closer to becoming a mom, I find myself wondering what will define success for me. What do I value most and desire to provide for my child above anything else?

In meditating on this question, I realized that I would personally sum up successful motherhood with this one sentence.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the law of kindness is on her tongue. -Proverbs 31:26

Wisdom is much more than just being an intelligent person. In fact, I believe that there are many people who could be considered some of the smartest in the world but they completely lack wisdom. At the same time, there are some who have never had a formal education and may not even be able to read, yet they embody true wisdom.

The dictionary defines wisdom as "the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement." I would take it a step further and say that it is the act of actually applying that experience, knowledge, and good judgement. I may know the right thing to do or say in a given situation, but if I don't act on that knowledge then I am being unwise.

In Proverbs 31:26, the Hebrew word translated as 'kindness' is chesed and it is one of my favorite words on the planet! The dictionary defines kindness as "the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate" but chesed is even better than that.

Chesed is frequently spoken of in the Bible as one of God's attributes. English translations use the words grace, mercy, compassion, loving-kindness, steadfast love, and covenant love to help us grasp the concept.

So whether my child is popular or not, whether they like sports or computers or painting or none of the above, whether or not I am able to stay in excellent shape or retire from a successful career, I won't consider myself a success or a failure.

Instead, I will consider myself a successful mother when I draw upon God's wisdom to guide my child and when my own life displays and points to the incredible covenant-love of Jesus.

Celebrating the Completion of Year Two

I've written before about the value of memorializing the milestones in Dental School. Robbie recently just hit another milestone-- finishing his second year! I'm late on writing about it because second year turned into third year in the blink of an eye. He only had two weeks off between summer and fall semester (last year it was three weeks). Additionally, because I am a state employee, I don't get off when the students are off unless I want to use a bunch of my vacation hours. The two week break came and went and aside from me being home with a cold for a couple days, not much happened.

It's difficult to know what to specifically write about 2nd year that most people haven't heard already. It was hard for us. At times it was painful. It was definitely emotionally draining. But I also believe it was a defining period of our marriage.

Until this past year, Robbie and I have had pretty smooth sailing in our marriage. Yes, applying to Dental School was pretty demanding. Living on a very small income when we were first married was a challenge. Moving in with my in-laws for a year while maintaining healthy boundaries was a little stressful at times. But 2nd year of Dental School was the first time in our marriage that I felt we were both stretched beyond what we thought were our breaking points.

Robbie frequently expressed that what made it so stressful was how he never felt caught up. No matter how hard he worked and how much time he put in, he was constantly being thrown into situations, tests, practicals, etc. for which he didn't feel prepared. The moment he began to feel like he was starting to get the hang of something, they switched gears and started learning something else. It was a complete confidence killer.

At the same time, I felt exhausted from work. I missed being at home and having the energy and desire to go grocery shopping, plan healthy meals, and exercise. Laundry piled up. We ate out more frequently than I care to remember.  I felt like I was failing as a wife because I couldn't do many of the things I longed to do in order to help Robbie get through this difficult year.

On top of it all, rent prices continued to climb so we made the decision it was time to buy. We were completely blindsided by how difficult it would be to find and buy our first home. Why did I never learn actual valuable life knowledge in college? Why did no one teach me what types of mortgages are available and how to apply for them? Should I go with a private lending company or a bank? What is the difference between a town home and a condo anyway? What is mortgage insurance? These types of things may be common knowledge to someone who studies finance or realty but our learning curve was quite steep.

Let's just say I'd rather have a double IA block every morning for a year than go through that again anytime soon (ask your Dental Student if you aren't familiar with that). I felt at times it would never end and yet the days marched on. I remember crying a lot. I remember feeling horribly guilty after snapping at Robbie (again) over something stupid. I remember wondering where my husband's energy, humor, and playfulness had gone and feeling like I had become the grouchiest, neediest wife on the planet. There were a lot of tearful apologies.

But there was also a lot of forgiveness. I remember tender moments when we both felt completely emotionally drained yet somehow God would be in the midst of it. The experiences of the days/weeks/months had put us at odds. Then a moment would come when we were truly vulnerable-- acknowledging the ways we had failed one another-- and God enabled us to speak grace. "I forgive you. We're going to get through this. I love you. I'm with you in this."

God was able to turn the struggles of 2nd year into something that knit us together more tightly as a couple. I'm more confident in our ability as a couple to make grown-up decisions. While I wouldn't jump at the chance of going through it again, I am able now to see the good that has come from this period of our lives and the importance of facing challenges together.

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed instead. -Hebrews 12:11-13

About to get an IA block

Ah, the awkward numb-jaw smile

Laying Bricks

If you have read my blog for long, you probably know that I have a love for Proverbs. One that keeps coming to my mind this morning says:

"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." -Proverbs 14:1

Whenever I read that verse, I get a picture in my head of a woman building a brick house. She carefully places each brick to get a perfect seal with the mortar to ensure that her finished house will have strong walls. Even though it is so painstaking for her to place each brick correctly, she intermittently will pull a few bricks back off the wall and toss them aside.

It sounds so stupid when we picture it that way, but this Proverb reveals that many of us have a tendency to do just that in our own marriage. We put time and energy and love and sacrifice into our marriages to build them up and make them strong. Then, for whatever reason, we foolishly do things that tear our hard work back down again.

An opportunity came up last night for me to choose between placing bricks or tearing them down. I have a cold and Robbie made me some chicken noodle soup. I regret to say that instead of simply expressing my appreciation, I began to critique him on how he could've made it a little bit better. Next time, maybe cook the noodles separately and then add them to the soup when we're ready to eat so they won't be so mushy. It could use some more chicken, too. Why are the carrots and celery chopped so big? There go a few of my bricks. I cringe at myself this morning thinking about it.

The problem is, I can't just fix myself. I can't decide that from here on out, I'm going to express my appreciation more and my dissatisfaction less. My words aren't the problem; they are a symptom of the problem. Ultimately, it's my heart that needs fixing. Jesus explained this in Matthew 15:17-19.

"Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies."

What he's saying is that my words are a reflection of the attitudes and beliefs I hold in my heart. If, in my heart, I'm an unforgiving and bitter person, it will come out in my words at some point, perhaps as sarcasm or angry comments. If I'm a controlling person in my heart, my words will be bossy and nit-picking. If I believe in my heart that I have no value, my words will be self-depricating (or they may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and be constantly self-praising in an attempt to cover my low self-image).

In my case, my heart idolizes perfectionism. I want things to be just how I want them so my words express dissatisfaction and discontent when my standards aren't met. My heart also clings to being comfortable. When I'm  hanging out with a person who's making inappropriate jokes or gossiping about someone, my words come out as people pleasing to avoid confrontation and an uncomfortable situation. Instead of standing up for truth, I remain silent or, worse yet, join in with the gossip.

So what's the solution? Jesus tells us in John 15:4-5.

"Abide in Me and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing."

The Greek word for abide is meno which means to remain, to stay, to wait for, or to be held/kept continually. My pastor always described it as "soaking in God's presence." The way to fix the perfectionism in my heart is to spend time with the One who is Himself perfect and yet is full of grace for those like me, the imperfect. The way to get rid of my idol of comfort is to hang out with the One who regularly had uncomfortable conversations regarding sin and yet was a magnet to sinners.

Meditating on His word reminds me that He laid aside all comfort to endure crucifixion on my behalf. The more I am "held continually" by that thought, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more I want to spend time with Him. It's a vicious cycle really.

Maybe you feel like you've been pulling so many bricks from your marriage that it doesn't even resemble a house anymore. Maybe your marriage looks more like a pile of ruins at this point. Take heart! Jesus came to restore and to bring life and to set free. Ask Him for forgiveness, acknowledge that only He can change your heart, and then ask Him to direct you in what to do next.

"Then I shall sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh... On the day that I cleanse you from all your iniquities, I will also enable you to dwell in the cities and the ruins shall be rebuilt." -Ezekiel 36:25-26,33