Today I want to write about a big myth that was repeatedly told to me before Robbie started Dental School. When we excitedly began to share the news that Robbie had been accepted, I had several (well meaning) people say these lovely words to me: "That's great! I'm so happy for you guys. Say goodbye to your husband, though. He'll be so busy you'll never see him."
First of all, what is with people needing to say something so negative when something so awesome has happened? Be happy for me!! It's like telling people you just won the vacation of a lifetime to go on an African safari and all they want to talk about is how long the flight will be, how many shots you'll need to get so you don't get some scary disease, how hot and miserable it's going to be while you're there, etc. They are completely missing the fact that you are going to experience an incredible adventure-- all the amazing animals you'll get to see, all the cool cultural experiences you will have, and all the memories you will make!
Anyways, part of my personality is that I really dislike change and as someone who is used to spending a lot of quality time with my husband, I started to fear that our marriage would change and I really would never see him once he started school. Now that we're 7 months in to this experience, I want to share a few things I've learned about how to not just survive while my husband is in Dental School, but how to thrive!
1) Choose to be flexible instead of rigid.
The myth of the magical disappearing husband is a lie; however, it will definitely take more effort and creativity to spend time together than before. Before he started school, we agreed that one date a week was something we wanted to make a priority. We have had to learn to be creative in how we make that happen. Friday night has been the best time for us personally because he doesn't have school the next morning and he knows that he has two whole days over the weekend to work on things for school so it's easier for him to relax more. The hard part about Friday nights, however, is that at the end of a long week, Robbie often feels mentally drained. I've found that some of the best dates we've had are simply the ones where we stay in on a Friday night, have a glass of wine together, and cuddle while we watch a movie on Netflix. If you always have the expectation that a date must involve getting dressed up, going out to dinner, and then going dancing, you will probably be disappointed. But if you choose to be flexible and redefine what a date can look like, you are going to enjoy your time with your husband so much more. Isn't learning to be flexible instead of rigid a useful quality to have in life in general?
2) Choose to actively participate in his world sometimes.
If you feel like you're not seeing enough of your husband in the non-Dental School part of your life together, why not step into his Dental School life some? You can offer to quiz him to help him study for an upcoming test or go to the lab with him on the weekends and read while he works. Ask him about what he's learning in class (and actually listen and try to understand!). Go to Starbucks with him to keep him company so he can study while you read (or look at Pinterest). If it works with your schedule, try bringing your husband lunch on campus and have a short picnic together. Make him some cookies and bring them to campus as a surprise if he has to stay after school to work. The goal of being a Dentist is not just for him, it's for his family and you can choose to play an active role in his success.
3) Choose to actively build a support network.
Your husband cannot be the only person you interact with. You need other friends, too! If you moved to a new city (or even state!) for school, this is even more important. The first month living in Denver was the hardest because I felt isolated and friendless. Sometimes it's hard for me to make friends because I feel intimidated about introducing myself to people I don't know. We spent a lot of time praying for God to provide me with a support network and He was so faithful to provide for my need! We had a "chance" encounter outside of Starbucks with one of Robbie's classmates who recognized him from class and now his wife is my closest friend up here. We celebrated Thanksgiving with them and two other Dental School couples. We go to church with them and eat dinner at their house. The fact that we share the common bond of our husbands being in Dental School means that we have an idea of what each other is going through. An extra bonus of having her as a friend is that she has kids and is a wonderful mom so I get to see the struggles and joys of parenting during Dental School and help her out where I can. If you're having a hard time connecting with your husband's classmates' wives, try getting plugged in in other ways. Join a book club, try out a class that teaches you a hobby (like painting or quilting), join an exercise class, go to church with your spouse and join a Bible study, etc. There are a lot of ways to meet people but you have to make the choice to not be a recluse.
4) Choose to be a refreshing person to be around.
This one has been the most challenging for me by far. I find it difficult to not get caught up in my own frustrations or boredom so that when Robbie comes home, he finds it refreshing to be around me instead of draining. I'm not talking about faking your emotions or just putting on a happy face for show. I'm talking about making the choice to look for the positive in your day, to have a grateful heart that chooses joy instead of self-pity. Dental School is hard enough without coming home to someone who is feeling sorry for themselves and complaining about their day. After feeling convicted about needing an attitude change, I've tried to think of three positive things I can tell Robbie about my day when I pick him up from school. Then, if there's something negative I need to work through with him, I bring it up later on once he's had time to be recharge a little. I love it when he tells me, "It's so refreshing to come home to you. I always look forward to coming home." I have a feeling that (sadly) some guys don't like to go home because they know they are going to hear complaining and nagging about why they aren't home more. I wouldn't want to be in that environment either! Inspiring instead of requiring time at home is the way to win here.
I just want to point out that we do not have kids of our own yet but we plan to start our family around his third year. I know that having kids in Dental School presents some additional challenges but I still feel like the above recommendations can work for anyone, whether you have kids or not. You can even try to get your kids involved in these ideas if they are old enough to understand. Ask them for ideas about how they could refresh Daddy and use it as a teaching opportunity about how our negative emotions affect other people. If the school allows it, take the kids in occasionally to see where Daddy is working and for him to show them what he is learning to do.
Overall, I just want to stress that the changes that come with Dental School do not need to be feared. Don't view it as just the means to an end (ie. I can't wait for this to be over so our life can finally begin and our marriage can go back to normal!). Dental School is an excellent season for lessons in selflessness and caring that can help you through many other seasons of marriage down the road if you will choose to make the most of it right now.
Here's Robbie working on his first lab assignment of Dental School-- to fill in shapes and letters with wax.
Robbie graduated from filling in shapes to carving wax teeth.
Now that he's able to carve wax teeth, he gets to practice placing fillings in a dummy. He's becoming a dentist before my eyes!
