Successful Motherhood

There are so many different requirements pushed on moms these days of what it means to be a successful mother. A lot of it is based on what our society values but even within a single society there are sub-cultures that value completely different things. Depending on who you talk to, being a successful mother may mean...

• Your child gets the best education
• Your child only eats organic foods (or gluten-free foods or GMO-free foods or foods purchased locally, etc)
• You can maintain a successful career outside the home
• Your child excels in sports
• You are there for their every need 100% of the time
• Your child thinks you're cool and calls you her best friend
• Your child is a law abiding citizen who breaks out in a rash if they even think about breaking a rule
• Your child is a free thinker who isn't bound by the rules of society
• You can run a marathon 2 months after giving birth
• Your child grows up to earn a Nobel Prize in physics
• Your child is a prodigy violin/piano/chess/trumpet/guitar/etc player
• Your child chooses a "good" career when they grow up
• Your child is popular in school
• Your child grows up in a stable home

Do any of these strike a chord with you? I know for certain that some of them will NEVER happen in my family (ie. me running a marathon), some of them MAY happen (ie. my child excelling in sports--their dad was a Decathlete after all), and I will try very hard to make the last one happen.

As each day brings me closer and closer to becoming a mom, I find myself wondering what will define success for me. What do I value most and desire to provide for my child above anything else?

In meditating on this question, I realized that I would personally sum up successful motherhood with this one sentence.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the law of kindness is on her tongue. -Proverbs 31:26

Wisdom is much more than just being an intelligent person. In fact, I believe that there are many people who could be considered some of the smartest in the world but they completely lack wisdom. At the same time, there are some who have never had a formal education and may not even be able to read, yet they embody true wisdom.

The dictionary defines wisdom as "the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement." I would take it a step further and say that it is the act of actually applying that experience, knowledge, and good judgement. I may know the right thing to do or say in a given situation, but if I don't act on that knowledge then I am being unwise.

In Proverbs 31:26, the Hebrew word translated as 'kindness' is chesed and it is one of my favorite words on the planet! The dictionary defines kindness as "the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate" but chesed is even better than that.

Chesed is frequently spoken of in the Bible as one of God's attributes. English translations use the words grace, mercy, compassion, loving-kindness, steadfast love, and covenant love to help us grasp the concept.

So whether my child is popular or not, whether they like sports or computers or painting or none of the above, whether or not I am able to stay in excellent shape or retire from a successful career, I won't consider myself a success or a failure.

Instead, I will consider myself a successful mother when I draw upon God's wisdom to guide my child and when my own life displays and points to the incredible covenant-love of Jesus.

Rocky

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you probably already know that I was recently introduced to the Rocky films for the first time in my life. So far, Robbie and I have only watched five of the six movies together but I keep asking one question, "Why has no one ever shown me this before now?!" The first Rocky film is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen in my entire life!

Not only is the acting impeccable and the dialogue superbly entertaining, but the story itself was the most elegant portrayal about the desires of a man's heart that I have ever seen in a film. If you know much about the making of Rocky, it was actually written by Sylvester Stallone when he was trying to make it into the movie industry. He approached studio after studio about it but refused to sell the rights unless  he was allowed to play Rocky because he felt so strongly about how the character should be portrayed (mostly, I'm guessing, because Rocky was a picture of himself).

My favorite aspect of Rocky was the relationship between Rocky and his girlfriend, Adrian. I am not a cryer at all when it comes to movies, but several of their interactions brought tears to my eyes because I connected with their experiences in such a deep level of my heart. In many ways, their relationship reminded me of Robbie and myself and the process of getting into/going through Dental School. One scene in particular comes the night before the "big fight" against Apollo Creed (his opponent who happened to be the World Heavyweight Champion). Rocky lays down on the bed next to Adrian and shares with her that he knows he can't win the fight. Then he tells her something profound.

"Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my head, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood."

I think those few lines are what cause so many men to love this movie. Here's Rocky, this tough, hardened, ballsy guy about to face the biggest challenge of his life and in a moment of vulnerability he acknowledges his weakness and fear. Then he describes something that I believe God built into the heart of every man-- the desire to prove that he has what it takes, that he's not a phony.

What I like most about this scene is that in that moment of vulnerability, Adrian didn't try to convince Rocky that he could win. She didn't even tell him to not go to the fight out of her own fear of him getting hurt. She just laid there with him and held him. Without words she showed him that she believed in him as a man and would support him in whatever he decided to do about the fight (*spoiler* he still went to the fight the next day).

I think every Dental Student will have their serious moments of self doubt through the process. In those moments, I will have the opportunity to speak life into Robbie by standing alongside him, showing him I believe in him, and pointing him to the one who enables him to achieve what he's meant to achieve.

I remember one time, in particular, when Robbie came home completely crushed by the tasks he was facing in school. We parked the car at our apartment and before going inside I began to pray for him. After just a moment, I distinctly sensed God telling me, "Have Robbie pray." So I told Robbie and through his tears, he shared with Jesus what was making him afraid and asked for strength and confidence. Before my eyes, Robbie's appearance changed as a calmness washed over him. God is the one who lead Robbie to pursue dentistry in the first place so by coming to Him, Robbie received his "daily bread," the need for that moment, which was peace that he would be able to finish the race set before him.

I am confident in my husband's ability to become a Dentist because I am confident in my God's faithfulness and might. And when that (figurative) bell of Dental school rings and Robbie's still standing, Robbie will know that he has what it takes and will give all glory to God.

Sleepless Nights

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up on and off for awhile then I was wide awake from about 2:00-3:30 this morning. Part of it was that I just couldn't quite get comfortable but another reason I just couldn't quite sleep was because I was thinking about having kids. We're not pregnant nor are we trying to get pregnant right now, but I recognize that we are drawing closer to the time when we will be ready to start a family. I've been noticing that God has been using this time as preparation to help me sift through my fears and expectations of motherhood.

The nagging thought that kept creeping into my mind last night was, "What if I'm not a good mother?" The question was solely based on the knowledge that when I become a mother, I won't get as much sleep. Honestly, I don't really like the way I behave when I don't get enough sleep (I'm talking 8-9 hours a night). I tend to have less patience and to be much more emotionally driven (instead of being guided by my usual, Vulcan-like logical side *nerd joke*). How can someone who is so dependent on sleep and who feels so cranky without it be a good mother to a newborn who wakes her up all night? I wrestled with this doubt for a good portion of time before turning to Jesus in prayer.

During the course of the conversation, He reminded me of what He endured on the cross "for the joy set before Him." He also reminded me that I'm a new creation, I'm not who I was before I gave my life to Him. He lives inside me and I am empowered to love sacrificially. I came to the realization that since Jesus endured the horrors of the cross and Jesus now lives in me, surely He and I can endure the lack of sleep that comes with having kids.

Once again, I'm drawn to the verses in 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind...[love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

In-Laws

I came across an article on Yahoo the other day that was about "10 Things Never to Say to Your Mother In Law." It included things such as "I didn't ask your opinion," "Why didn't you teach your son to..." and "I hope I inherit your armoire." I felt it was a straightforward article that was simply trying to get across the point that you shouldn't be mean to your MIL. Boy did it strike a chord with some of the people who commented on the article though! There were some truly vicious comments people left about their MIL's and I just couldn't stop thinking about the whole topic for the last several days. I am very fortunate in that I get along really well with my in-laws, but even if you don't see eye to eye with your spouse's family, here's a few of thoughts that might help:

1) I am called to show the love of Jesus to everyone, no matter who they are or how they behave.

As a Christian, I believe I am called to live in a way that shines Jesus' love to everyone I come in contact with, whether that is the teller at my bank, the homeless person on the corner of the street, the atheist who cusses me out and mocks my beliefs, the barista who makes my coffee at Starbucks, or my Mother in Law.

"You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don't even the Gentiles do the same?" -Matthew 5:43-47 (Holman Christian Standard translation)

I'm not called to simply tolerate or put up with other people, I'm called to love them the way Jesus loves them. The Bible gives us an excellent description of what Jesus' love looks like in action. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that when we love someone, we will be patient with them, we will be kind to them, we won't envy what they have, we won't brag about ourselves to them or be focused on ourselves when interacting with them, we won't act improperly around them, we won't be easily provoked by them, and we won't keep a mental record of any way they have wronged us. 

2) The only thing that can enable me to truly love others is to spend time alone in the presence of God, getting to know Him and receiving His love.

I don't know about you, but showing Biblical love can seem really difficult (if not impossible) at times. The only way we can love others like this is to have been in the presence of Jesus, receiving His love. When I realize the fullness of God's love for me, it transforms me and overflows to the people around me.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. God's love was revealed among us in this way: God sent His One and Only Son into the world so that we might live through Him. Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another... We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:7-11, 19

3) The only actions I am accountable for are my own but God can use my actions to change another person.

The only person's actions I can control are my own. God calls me to trust Him to hold others accountable for their actions and to leave justice up to Him.

"Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the LORD. 'But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." -Romans 12:17-21

I especially love the part that says, "So far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." I have experienced such great freedom in the realization that I am only responsible for me. If I have done everything within my power to be loving and kind towards someone, yet they still choose to repay me with hostility/meanness/rudeness, that's on them.

Our culture teaches us that if someone hurts us, we have every right to get back at them. But God offers us a higher road to take. If we choose to show kindness to someone who doesn't deserve it, God can use that to deeply convict that person and possibly bring about a change in them. If you can grasp a hold of how much of a power bomb kindness is, how much more effective it is than retaliation and bitterness, it will change your life.

4) My relationship with my Mother In Law does not have to go along with the world's expectations.

Just because the world's expectation is that the relationship between a man's wife and his mother will more than likely be strained, competitive, conniving, etc. it does not mean I have to go that route and feed the stereotype. In fact, the story of one of the most beautiful relationships between two women can be found in the Book of Ruth between Ruth (a Moabitess) and Naomi, her Jewish Mother In Law. Naomi lived in Moab with her husband, their two sons, and their sons' wives for 10 years but after her husband and sons died, she decided to return to the land of Judah. Her Daughter In Law, Orpah, decides to go her separate way, but Ruth makes a beautiful declaration.

"But Ruth said, 'Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may the Lord do to me, and worse, if anything but death parts you and me.' When she saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her."

I realize more and more that my Mother In Law is a woman, just like me, has fears and desires and hopes, just like me, and needs the love and grace of God, just like me. She wants to feel needed, included, valued, and respected. What woman doesn't?! The more I see her through Jesus' eyes, the more my friendship with her and love for her can grow.

Some of the things I appreciate about my MIL are that: 1) She raised the man I love and played a part in helping him become all of the things I so appreciate about him. 2) She is really good at asking questions and showing interest in what's going on in my life. 3) She has amazing gardening knowledge (something I could definitely learn from her about since I always kill my plants). 4) She is really good at coming up with practical solutions to problems.

My dad told me that my mom's mom always said to him, "I don't like being called your Mother In Law. I prefer Mother In Love," meaning that her relationship to him was so much more than just a slip of paper that said he was married to her daughter. I pray that I can be a Mother In Love to my children's spouses someday!

Robbie and I with his family at our wedding. My MIL is in the red and my FIL is on the far left.