It has been an absolute god-send to have him home this summer, not only for him to rest and recuperate from the last four years but also to help me get through this particularly difficult season of motherhood. Jubilee just went through a HORRIBLE period of poor sleep. All through July and half way into August, she was waking up at least half a dozen times all night long, sometimes as frequently as every half hour. And guess who was the only person she would be comforted by (*hint* the person who makes the milk)? She was also seriously cranky during the daytime and wanted me to hold her non-stop. We think it was a combination of getting her first molars in, hitting a growth spurt, and going through a Wonder Week all around the same time. The last couple nights have been a marked improvement so I think we are finally coming out of that insanity.
As I've mentioned before, I do not do well with lack of sleep. Some people are total troopers and can just have some coffee and be fine. When I'm seriously sleep deprived for extended periods, I get depressed. I'll randomly burst into tears uncontrollably. I feel completely overwhelmed making even basic everyday decisions like what to eat or wear. I isolate myself and feel anxiety in my usual social settings. In other words, I am a totally different person when I don't get the sleep I need. And since Jubilee has only slept through the night once in the last 15 months, it's safe to say I haven't felt like myself in a long time.
So many of the moms I know and respect are having their 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th kid and during the past few months especially I found myself comparing my life to theirs. During another round of uncontrollable crying, I'd think things like, "What's wrong with you? Look how many kids these other women have and they are fine. Why can't you just pull yourself together? Why are you such a failure as a mom?" I felt like I was failing as a wife, too. I can't count the number of times I've told Robbie, "I'm sorry I'm so cranky. I'm sorry I'm no fun to be around anymore. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm sorry I (fill in the blank)."
And even though he would respond with such patience and such kindness, there was still one painful question that would lurk in the back of my mind: What if he regrets marrying you? What if he wishes he had married someone more patient or more hard working? Someone who could better cope with the stresses of motherhood and life? I started to actually feel afraid that he would finally just get sick of all my ridiculousness and walk away.
It all came to a head last week when I was having a particularly bad day-- a day when I felt like I just couldn't do anything right and I couldn't stop crying for more than a few minutes. After finally getting Jubilee down for a nap, I sat down on the couch next to Robbie and blubbered out, "I know I'm so cranky and no fun to be around, but I just need you to love me anyway."And this wonderful husband of mine just held me and told me how much he loved me.
And then he said something that I will remember forever: "I know you compare yourself to these other moms, but I don't want to be married to them. I want you." His words went straight to the heart of the lies I had been believing. And I realized just how much he reminded me of Jesus in that moment.
Because isn't that exactly what Jesus says to us? When we come to Him full of doubt and regret and fear, feeling like we are failing Him in every way possible and we keep telling ourselves, "Surely He couldn't want me. I'm a mess. Look at all these other people who have their lives so much more together. One of these days He's just going to give up on me." And His response is always, "Stop comparing yourself. I want you." And that amazing grace transforms us from the inside out. Instead of living in fear of messing up, we live in the joy of being made right with Him. Knowing how much He loves us and that He continually chooses us is what enables us to live in a way that honors Him.
I am so grateful to have a husband who reflects the love of Jesus. I know we will both fail each other in this life we share but I can hold fast to the hope the Jesus' love is more than strong enough to get us through.
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:38-39Enamel is the strongest substance in the human body. That's why love is like enamel.
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