Laying Bricks

If you have read my blog for long, you probably know that I have a love for Proverbs. One that keeps coming to my mind this morning says:

"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." -Proverbs 14:1

Whenever I read that verse, I get a picture in my head of a woman building a brick house. She carefully places each brick to get a perfect seal with the mortar to ensure that her finished house will have strong walls. Even though it is so painstaking for her to place each brick correctly, she intermittently will pull a few bricks back off the wall and toss them aside.

It sounds so stupid when we picture it that way, but this Proverb reveals that many of us have a tendency to do just that in our own marriage. We put time and energy and love and sacrifice into our marriages to build them up and make them strong. Then, for whatever reason, we foolishly do things that tear our hard work back down again.

An opportunity came up last night for me to choose between placing bricks or tearing them down. I have a cold and Robbie made me some chicken noodle soup. I regret to say that instead of simply expressing my appreciation, I began to critique him on how he could've made it a little bit better. Next time, maybe cook the noodles separately and then add them to the soup when we're ready to eat so they won't be so mushy. It could use some more chicken, too. Why are the carrots and celery chopped so big? There go a few of my bricks. I cringe at myself this morning thinking about it.

The problem is, I can't just fix myself. I can't decide that from here on out, I'm going to express my appreciation more and my dissatisfaction less. My words aren't the problem; they are a symptom of the problem. Ultimately, it's my heart that needs fixing. Jesus explained this in Matthew 15:17-19.

"Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies."

What he's saying is that my words are a reflection of the attitudes and beliefs I hold in my heart. If, in my heart, I'm an unforgiving and bitter person, it will come out in my words at some point, perhaps as sarcasm or angry comments. If I'm a controlling person in my heart, my words will be bossy and nit-picking. If I believe in my heart that I have no value, my words will be self-depricating (or they may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and be constantly self-praising in an attempt to cover my low self-image).

In my case, my heart idolizes perfectionism. I want things to be just how I want them so my words express dissatisfaction and discontent when my standards aren't met. My heart also clings to being comfortable. When I'm  hanging out with a person who's making inappropriate jokes or gossiping about someone, my words come out as people pleasing to avoid confrontation and an uncomfortable situation. Instead of standing up for truth, I remain silent or, worse yet, join in with the gossip.

So what's the solution? Jesus tells us in John 15:4-5.

"Abide in Me and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing."

The Greek word for abide is meno which means to remain, to stay, to wait for, or to be held/kept continually. My pastor always described it as "soaking in God's presence." The way to fix the perfectionism in my heart is to spend time with the One who is Himself perfect and yet is full of grace for those like me, the imperfect. The way to get rid of my idol of comfort is to hang out with the One who regularly had uncomfortable conversations regarding sin and yet was a magnet to sinners.

Meditating on His word reminds me that He laid aside all comfort to endure crucifixion on my behalf. The more I am "held continually" by that thought, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more I want to spend time with Him. It's a vicious cycle really.

Maybe you feel like you've been pulling so many bricks from your marriage that it doesn't even resemble a house anymore. Maybe your marriage looks more like a pile of ruins at this point. Take heart! Jesus came to restore and to bring life and to set free. Ask Him for forgiveness, acknowledge that only He can change your heart, and then ask Him to direct you in what to do next.

"Then I shall sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh... On the day that I cleanse you from all your iniquities, I will also enable you to dwell in the cities and the ruins shall be rebuilt." -Ezekiel 36:25-26,33