Babies. Everywhere.

Last weekend, Robbie was busy studying so I took the opportunity to head up to Fort Collins to celebrate my mom's birthday with my family. All three of my sisters were able to come to dinner and it was the first time I had all three of my niblings in one place.

Niblings: (plural noun) nieces and nephews; the children of your siblings

In the past year, all three of my older sisters gave birth to their first child. In addition to our two awesome nephews from Robbie's sister, I now have one niece (Olive) and two more nephews (Luke and Henry).

Left to right: Deborah holding Henry, Altair holding Luke, and Ariane holding Olive

It's been incredible seeing each of my sisters transition into motherhood, but it has shown me just how not ready to be a mommy I am. Maybe it's that 2nd year has been especially difficult but the idea of going through all the hormonal changes and needing to care for a little life who is completely dependent on me just doesn't feel as urgent as it used to. Anyone who has known me for more than a few years would probably be shocked to hear me say that; I have been talking about being a stay at home mom since I was in 9th grade! It's possible that Jesus is just teaching me how to be more content wherever He has me and perhaps, in a few years, he'll renew that desire in me to be a mom. For now, though, I'm content being the well-rested Auntie who sings Disney songs to the niblings.

Faithfulness

Well, it's been over two months since I last wrote and since I woke up at 6:30 with no alarm this morning, I figured it was a good opportunity to catch up. (Also, I know Robbie would really appreciate it if I let him sleep in. Sleep is such a precious commodity these days.)

I'm just going to be honest and say that this semester has probably been the worst semester of our lives. Robbie has been crazy busy and stressed with school; I've been exhausted from work; and we found out our rent was going up by over $100 a month so we have been trying to find a new place to live on top of everything. I've been complain-y, irritable, fault finding, disrespectful, and just plain unhappy. This semester has brought about more tears for me than any other season of my life.

Now I'm going to be really honest and share that the true reason this semester has sucked so bad is that I've let my walk with God drift into a lull. I haven't been reading my Bible with any sort of consistency. Taking time to get alone with Him has been pretty much non-existent. We've still been feeling really confused about which church to call home here in Denver and have used that as an excuse to just not go.

Had I been faithful in pursuing Him, I don't think this semester would have been as hard. This isn't because I feel like God is punishing me or something. He's not some distant god waiting for me to mess up so he can rain down lightning. I can't earn my way to Him by behaving like a good girl. As a Christian, the Bible explains that I'm "hidden in Christ" so when God looks at me, He sees the perfection of Christ's life and my sin is no longer counted against me. I've become His daughter for whom He cares deeply. I can come before Him boldly because I am no longer at odds with Him.

The reason I say that this semester would have been easier is that God specifically designed us as humans to be close to Him. He gave us an innate desire to know Him and have relationship with Him. It's only natural then that when I start to drift away from His incredible presence, I feel the inherent sting of  being separated from the one thing I truly need.

God gives us pictures of this over and over in the way he designed us. We need water or we'll experience thirst. We need food or we'll get hunger pains. We need shelter from the elements or we'll freeze/sunburn/get struck by lightening/sucked up in a tornado/eaten by wild animals/etc. We need sleep or we'll feel exhausted. We need air and if we can't get a breath of that sweet 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 1% argon mixture, we will very quickly die! In fact a lack of any of these things for an extended period would eventually lead to our death.

King David understood this concept and used it many times in expressing His need of God. He even went so far as to say that his need for God was more urgent and pressing than his very basic needs for water, food, shelter, and sleep.

"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?" -Psalm 42:1-2

 "Oh that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men. For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness." -Psalm 107:8-9

"You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance." -Psalm 32:8

"Surely I will not go in to the chamber of my house, or go up to the comfort of my bed; I will not give sleep to my eyes or slumber to my eyelids, until I find a place for the Lord, a dwelling place for the Mighty One of Jacob." -Psalm 132:3-5

I went up to Fort Collins yesterday to visit family and on my way back, I was still feeling lonely and miserable. I began praying, "Lord, I just need to hear a song about your faithfulness. I miss being close to you." I turned on the radio to my favorite station and as the first song started, I burst into tears. It was Kari Jobe singing "You Are For Me."

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that...

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

You remind me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

My God is so faithful even when I have not been faithful. His faithfulness overwhelms me.